Thursday, July 30, 2015
The Most Carefully Planned Out Spontaneous Reaction
He had gone over it in his head at least twenty times, and had even acted it out four or five times. He was ready, all he had to do was remember to do it, and to make it look spontaneous.
The opportunity he was hoping for came sooner than he expected, just four days after his last encounter with that insufferable blowhard Dave Jensen from Marketing.
With all the subtlety of a herd of elephants Jensen marched his way into the company breakroom. He jerked open the refrigerator and nearly stuck his head into the top shelf. Releasing a grunt of dissatisfaction from deep in his throat, he muttered loudly enough for everyone in the room to clearly hear, "Damn, not one of the lackeys brought anything good to eat today."
That was it! That was the opportunity Alan had spent over two hours preparing for! Now was his chance to put that arrogant goon Jensen in his place once and for all!
Surprising even himself, Alan loudly pushed back his chair and stood up. Clearing his throat he said, "Hey Jensen, has it ever occurred to you that one, no one here is your lackey, and two, no one here brings food to work so you can eat it?"
An awkward silence fell over the room like a drunk college kid into a hedge. Jensen turned away from the refrigerator and towards Alan. With visible menace etched into his face, Jensen retorted, "What? Who the hell are you? The lunchroom monitor?"
Alan stared back at Jensen with as much intensity as he could muster. "This prick," Alan thought to himself, "Is an entire freakin' cactus." For a long two seconds neither of them said a word.
Suddenly, Jill, not the one from Sales but the one from Accounting, said "Hey, I'm not going to eat this whole tuna sub David, you're welcome to the other half. It doesn't have any onions on it."
"Oh hey, that's awesome of you Jill, I'm starved!" Alan watched as Jensen turned away from him and walked over to where Jill was sitting. She handed him the other half of her tuna sub, still wrapped in the paper, and said with a smile, "No problem David, saving me from another half hour in the gym!"
Allowing a sigh of resignation tinged with disbelief to escape under his breath, Alan sat back down in his chair. He looked over at Jill and Jensen now sharing a tuna sub and wondered what it was that guys like him had that blinded so many people, and especially women, to his obnoxious, self-aggrandizing, boorish behavior.
"Damn," thought Alan, "whatever it is that fathead has...I wish I had some of it."