What I Ate In 2022

   At the beginning of 2022 my Doctor requested I keep a food diary for the month so he could get a clear picture of what I was eating. As I was weighing far more than any human not involved in Sumo wrestling should, I agreed to the task.

   Except I couldn't stop once I got started. For the entirety of 2022 I have faithfully written down everything I ate for everyday of the year. 

   Everything. 

   Truth be told, it kinda scared me how much junk I had been eating, consciously and not so consciously.

   I considered listing here what I ate as I wrote it down day by day, but that would be much too much to type, so I just gathered up all the info and decided to list it by most to least foods I ate and the total quantity consumed. So, without further ado here is the complete tally.

Bacon: 348 pieces

Tater tots (topped with cheese): 162

Oreo cookies: 150

Chicken breasts: 107

Turkey meatballs: 106

Chicken legs: 104

Mini quiche (spinach and cheese): 90

Hershey kisses: 83

Hamburger paddies (without buns or bread): 77

Pizza slices (usually meat lovers): 71

Tootsie rolls (small ones): 62

Cheese slices (Pepper jack, invariably): 59

Omelets (3 eggs, beef sausage & cheese or ham & cheese) 52

Cheese snacks (1.5 oz individually wrapped pieces of sharp cheddar): 50

Beef sausages: 49

Ramen cup o' soup (made with chicken broth): 46

Jalapeno poppers: 44

Tacos (beef, cheese, sour cream): 40

Mini candy bars (mostly chocolate): 39

Chicken wings: 36

Kielbasa sausage (6 oz): 33

Steaks (10 oz New York Strip): 32

Bratwurst (2.5 oz pork): 32

Spare ribs: 30

Spring vegie rolls: 26

Toast slices (wheat or sourdough): 25

Cheeseburgers: 24

Hot dogs: 24

Hard boiled eggs: 21

Small chocolate treats (dark, of course): 20

Garlic shrimp: 20

Chili con carne (10 oz bowl): 18

Mini cheese wheels: 16

Loaded baked potatoes (cheese, bacon bits, sour cream, chives): 16

Tamales, pork: 14

Bacon wrapped shrimp: 14

Deep fried onion rings: 14

Deviled eggs: 14

Scrambled eggs: 10

Fish sticks: 10

Vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup (10 oz bowl): 9

Fried eggs (broken yolk): 8

Breakfast burritos (eggs, beef or pork sausage, cheese): 8

Breakfast tacos (eggs, bacon, cheese): 8

Chicken Noodle soup (8 oz bowl): 8

Tamales, cheese & chili: 8

Kit Kat bars: 8

Chorizo sausage (generally 6 oz each): 8

Beef and cheese burritos: 8

White chocolate macadamia nut cookies: 8

Cheese enchiladas: 8

Beef ravioli (10 oz bowl): 8

Ham slices (thick, hickory-smoked): 7

Vegie medley (4 oz bowl, broccoli, corn, carrots, cauliflower) 7

Breaded chicken breasts: 6

Reese's Peanut Butter cups: 6

Wheat bread slices: 6

Breaded fish (usually Atlantic cod): 6

Pork chops: 6

Pasta salad (16 oz bowl): 6

Donuts: 5

Chicken fries (servings of 10 fries): 4

Spanish ham soup (8 oz bowl): 4

Bacon-wrapped cheese-stuffed chicken breasts: 4

McD's spicy chicken sandwich: 4

Chicken McNuggets: 4

Nachos with beef and cheese, 12 oz servings (black olives, sour cream): 4

Biscuits with gravy: 4

Cheese quesadillas (large tortillas): 4

Ham & Cheese sandwiches (on wheat) 4

Klondike bars: 4

Birthday cake (small slices): 4

Grilled cheese sandwiches: 4

Chicken Tortilla soup (8 oz bowl): 3

Jumbo Jacks: 2

Bow-Tie pasta salad (12 oz bowl): 2

Huevos rancheros: 2

Broccoli cheese soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Burger King bacon double cheeseburgers: 2

Burger on a bun (with pickles, onion, lettuce, tomato) 2

Chicken salad with guacamole (16 oz bowl): 2

Garden salad (16 oz bowl): 2

Caesar's salad with grilled chicken (16 oz bowl): 2

Gyro sandwiches (with Tzatziki sauce): 2

Chipotle ham soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Chicken and peppers soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Biscuits (buttered): 2

Thick slices of fresh baked bread with butter: 2

French toast slices: 2

Barbacoa bowl (8 oz bowl): 2

Cheese soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Cheese and bacon soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Beef & potato soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Cole slaw (6 oz bowl): 2

Chicken curry: 2

Toblerone chocolate bars: 2

Chicken and elk sausage with pasta (12 oz bowl): 1

Pumpkin crumble (5 oz) 1

Pumpkin pie with whipped cream (7 oz) 1

Pecan pie with whipped cream (8 oz) 1

Chicken bacon cheese sandwich: 1

Rueben sandwich: 1

The following was measured in ounces:

Salami: 632 oz

Mixed nuts: 360 oz

Pig skins: 348 oz

Cheese whisps: 343 oz

Cheez-its: 301 oz

Peanuts: 252 oz

Cheetos: 166 oz

Mashed potatoes: 145 oz

Green beans: 136 oz

Pepperoni: 96 oz

Potato chips: 83 oz

Broccoli: 76 oz

Goldfish crackers: 70 oz

Asparagus: 66 oz

Shrimp: 64 oz

French fries: 60 oz

Dark Chocolate: 60 oz

Summer sausage: 56 oz

Tortilla chips: 56 oz

Lasagna: 50 oz

Chocolate covered mints: 48 oz

Spinach-artichoke dip: 46 oz

Hash browns: 45 oz

Fried rice: 40 oz

Beef stuffed bell peppers: 40 oz

Fried potatoes: 40 oz

Pita chips: 38 oz

Refried beans: 36 oz

Shrimp fettucine: 32 oz

Boiled peanuts: 32 oz

Sesame sticks: 32 oz

Popcorn: 32 oz

Corned beef hash: 24 oz

Fruit salad: 24 oz

Irish Cave cheese 23 oz

Carrots (boiled): 20 oz

Pistachios: 20 oz

Pulled pork: 20 oz

Almonds: 18 oz

Guacamole: 16 oz

Cold cuts: 15 oz

Pinto beans: 12 oz

Salsa: 12 oz

Cheese puffs: 12 oz

Corn: 12 oz

Black beans: 12 oz

Macaroni and cheese with peas: 12 oz

Fried pickles: 12 oz

Turkey: 10 oz

Chocolate wafers: 9 oz

Prime rib: 8 oz

Feta cheese: 8 oz

Soup crackers: 8 oz

Brownie brittle: 8 oz

Frito's: 8 oz

Mini chocolate chip cookies: 6 oz

Green bean casserole: 6 oz

Stuffing: 6 oz

Scalloped potatoes: 5 oz

Onions: 6 oz

M & M's: 4 oz

Peanut butter fudge: 4 oz

The Monster In The Ice

 

Storm Moving In

Best Christmas House, Alternative Christmas Decor Category

 

                                   Star Wars & Dinosaurs (and Oprah in the upstairs window...)

Interesting Conversational Tidbits Overheard At A Christmas Party

                             Did I mention it was minus18 the other day?

   "Gawd no, he's still in prison"

   " David dropped out of school last year, hasn't done a damn thing since but laze around the house all day stoned out of his head."

   "Haven't gone to a game all year. They suck like a toothless meth addict."

   "Married? Uh, no. Because no-one's ever asked. Should've taken Tony Picco up when he asked me to in the 3rd grade - it's the only offer I've ever gotten."

   "She's either got her head in the clouds or her ass in the gutter."

   "is that gravy or soggy pudding?"

   "It's not literal, it's never been literal. It's the essence of the God in mankind, that's what it is."

   "I've already gained 8 pounds this month. Tubby McTubberton, Fcuk."

   "He is not that sharp. His head is full of wool or potatoes or something like that."

   "That sweater is so cool."

   "I am not confused about my convictions on the subject - you're confused about my convictions on the subject."

   "This peanut-butter fudge is delicious. C'mon, I know you don't cook - where'd you buy it?" 

   "The situation in Ukraine is too serious for me to be able to enjoy Christmas this year."

   "You didn't watch the World Cup Final? You missed the best match ever!"

   "Did I? Oh well, maybe I have it DVR'd"

   "Is this organic?"

   "Don't do me any big fat favors, I don't need or want your nose in my business."

   "He's a geologist, I think. Something earthy like that."

   "Let's go up Monday, but we'll have to start early, like 4:00am. The traffic is stupid by 6:00, takes four hours just to get over the pass." 

   "They got divorced after she got her third DUI."

   "You liked that show? I thought it was weak - Samberg is like, Seinfeld light.

 

Much More Patriotic Than You Or Me...

 Ever see a tricked out vehicle and ask yourself, "What more could be done to enhance that whip?"

Well, for starters you could church up the grill a little:

Then maybe add a double-spout beer tap to the trunk (which, naturally, you would have modified to hold two kegs) and attach a bar-be-que to the rear roof:

That's how you get everyone jelli.

Jumping The Gun On A Few "Best Of' Nominations

   Maybe it's too early for a "Best of" list for 2022, but I just wanted to put out there that Wilco's Cruel Country double CD set was awesome, and Official Competition starring Penelope Cruz and Antonio Banderas is the best movie I've seen in a few years. 

   Also, there is a huge difference between "extra fries" and "exercise".

Let's Go Shopping With Barbara

   Searching for last minute gift ideas for a special or not-so-special someone? Well, if history has taught us anything it's that nothing says I care quite like the gift of beauty and hygiene products.

   The advertisement pictured herein was published over 80 years ago, so chances are good your parents, grandparents, or even your great-grandparents saw this ad and were blessed with the answers to the questions such as, "She smells, what should I get her," or "his fingernails are talon-like garden spades, what should I get him?"

Idea For A Support Group Thought Up Several Years Ago That Just Got Put Down On Paper

 

   A longer time ago than I care to admit I came up with an idea for a support group. At that time I also came up with what I thought would be a great name for the support group, and a catchy slogan. Also, concurrently, I hastily sketched an emblem (or logo if you will) for the support group.

   This morning I actually combined all three of the elements that I had conceived so insanely long ago into a cohesive whole and put them on the bottom of the box I'm sending via UPS to RLT in SD. 

   The box contains items that were meant to be shipped to him several months ago.

   Hope he gets it before Christmas.

Best Christmas House, Broad Daylight Category

 

No Label For This Warning

She had an accusatory stare down and it fit her

Wielded it like a sledge-o-matic set on obliteration

Even a causal glance could radically change the temperature

Like molten lava in the sea boiling crabs and fish to perfection

Nothing was thrown but you better duck I'm telling you Mister

The danger is real and this is no time for deflection

You'd have better luck at dodging cows in a Kansas twister

Maybe for once you might consider a new direction

But you struggle like weak voltage against a strong resistor

You're the creator of your own wounds and resultant infection

Can't think on your feet when your soul's beginning to blister*

*Yes, soul's instead of soles was intentional

Litter Day

   When I was attending Elementary school in San Diego there was one day a year wherein we (all the kids who attended the school) had to carry a trash bag (big or small, didn't matter) with us as we walked to school and pick up litter along the route we took to get to the school.

   It was Earth Day I believe, when we had to do this. When we arrived at the school there were areas designated for all of us to deposit our bags of trash. If memory serves me correctly (50-50 chance of that) the trash piles were organized by whatever class you were in and the class that collected the most trash received some special recognition from the school Principal during an Earth Day ceremony.

   The other day I mentioned this to several of my co-workers, asking if they too had to do something like that. "You had to walk to school?" was the most common response I got, followed closely by "No, we didn't have to pick up trash when we were forced to walk to school when the bus broke down and Mom wouldn't get up to drive us to school."

   Was this just a California thing? Was it due to a large number of hippy-dippy teachers at the Elementary school I attended?

   Another mystery to ponder.

   

The Single Most Important Tree In Denver

   This. This is most likely not meant to be funny, but it cracked me up like no comedian ever has when I first saw it.

   Why? Well, for starters it's attached to a fence that surrounds a single tree, as you can see in the photo below.

   The idea the city of Denver has a Forester driving around looking for special trees to protect is off the unintentional comedy scale...at least to me. 

   For several reasons, not the least being that trees for the most part are somewhat invasive to the area. Denver was built upon a treeless prairie - there are a number of books available that compare pictures of Denver taken 100 or more years apart (the most well-known being John Fielder's Colorado 1870 - 2000) which clearly show that fact. The only trees around in the early days of Denver were the Cottonwoods that grew along the banks of the South Platte river and other, smaller waterways.

   Denver's climate is really, really dry - semi-arid if you will. This is also a well-known fact. Plus, the soil hereabouts is piss-poor, naturally high in alkali, which means low soil water infiltration capacity.

   Those are not factors that are conducive to natural tree growth, which is why Denver might be home to one of the world's largest man-made urban forest. Most of the trees that can be found in the city of Denver were planted under the direction of then Mayor Robert Speer over a century ago, and all those trees were planted from saplings imported from points east of the Mississippi. So yeah, invasive.

   Before anyone starts in with how necessary trees are, please know that I am well aware of their role in ecosystem balance, erosion prevention, squirrel, chipmunk and bird lodging, etc. 

   I'm not a tree-hater, quite the opposite I'm a tree lover.

   But I'm also a realist who knows that, A) Trees are one of the most (if not the most) renewable resources on the planet, and B) Most trees, especially hardwood trees like the one in the picture, have definite lifespans (on average 70 to 150 years). The time, effort, and energy (not to mention the money, which I am obviously mentioning) that is going into preserving that one tree could go to much, much better use - maybe helping the homeless population deal with the deadly cold winter we're experiencing this year, eh?

   

 

Hey Buddy, Can You Spare A...Buddy?

   Hollywood loves the buddy film, and I have come up with a doozy of an idea for one. The premise is simple - it's a buddy film, a comedy buddy film to be sure, which is certainly not the doozy of an idea part.

   The doozy of an idea part is that the film will feature endless cameos featuring other well know buddies from film and television.

   For example, the two buddies who are the main characters in the film would be in a scene set in a coffee shop, and ahead of them in line would be Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson quarreling (comedically) over why the large coffee is called a "Venti" and not a "Magna", or some such dealio. 

   Behind the counter would be two baristas, played by Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey, who of course would be the most inept baristas ever. Maybe there could be a couple sitting at one of the tables and that couple would be played by Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

   The possibilities are endless. Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan could play always quibbling copier repairmen that the main buddy characters have to deal with, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover could play two cops ('natch) who pull the two main buddy characters over for speeding, John Cho & Kal Penn could play the arrogant and imbecilic Mayor and his long-suffering aide who always straightens out whatever mess the Mayor creates, James Roday Rodriguez and Dule Hill could be in a scene as an angry customer complaining about the quality of a fast-food cheeseburger to a very indifferent fast-food restaurant manager, and Geena Davis & Susan Sarandon could be in a scene featuring a pissed off lawyer trying to maintain her calm while dealing with a completely oblivious-to-the-seriousness-of-the-charges High School teacher accused of attacking a parent at a PTA meeting.

   You no doubt get the gist, so no more examples are necessary. Except for this last one:

   Zach Braff and Donald Faison (voices only) as a talk radio host and a caller having a discussion about how Hollywood seems to be running out of original ideas for films.

The Young Man & The Sea

   Once again he found himself in Brest, France, standing at the mouth of the Penfield river not to far from the port where the Nimitz had docked when he was in the Navy. 

   His enlistment had ended a short time ago and, being unencumbered by a family and not so attached to his home town that he had any lingering desire to return, he had made his way back to the one area of Europe that he had fallen in love with during his voyages as an able-bodied seaman. 

   His initial visit wasn't what anyone would call especially enchanting, and he hadn't made some magical connection with anything about the town. No, what had sold him on the place was specifically the fact that it wasn't a fairy tale perfect city in Europe dotted with castles and chalets with storied histories.

   There was a castle of course, a big gray one right at the mouth of the Penfield river at what could be regarded as the entrance to the town. But he was not all that impressed by ancient castles. 

   What impressed him was the people. The people were friendly, inviting, something he had not imagined after hearing so many disparaging comments about them from shipmates.

   And most importantly, the people were of the sea, which is what he considered himself, a man of the sea. It was why he had enlisted in the Navy right after graduating from High School.

   His ambition was to be a sailor on a commercial boat, a small freighter or a transport ship that would allow him to be at sea for at least three weeks of each month. He thought of himself as a Mariner, true to the sea.

   Picking up his duffel he started walking to the Recouvrance tramway station, involuntarily staring at the tall, sentry-like pylons of the huge vertical-lift bridge as he made his way east.

   

Chose Your Infestations Wisely

   There are people who have absolutely nothing to do all day except provide you with the motivation to keep pursuing your dreams. 

   You see and hear them everywhere, the ones who walk around with beaming smiles, saying encouraging words. It's like a plague of happiness or an infestation of enthusiasm has overcome everyone you know.

   It's not? Then you need to get some new friends.

   Just sayin'

The Visit With The Psychoanalyst

    "So, let's start with this dream about your mother."

    "It wasn't a dream about my mother Doc, it was a dream about a sink, and a freeway overpass, and some spiders, and one of my older sisters."

 

   "In the dream I was standing in front of a sink. Not a kitchen sink or a bathroom sink, more like the sink that would be in a utility closet, you know, really deep, the kind you can put an entire 5 gallon bucket in.

   "The sink wasn't in a utility closet though, but it was in a room with a door and the door was wide open. However, the room was on a freeway overpass. It was one of those long, curving overpasses that connect one freeway with another, you know, if you were on a north-south freeway it would connect you to one running east-west.

   "Except I wasn't in a vehicle of any sort - in fact, there were no cars on the overpass at all - just me, and I was in a room, or at least a partial room, just two walls I think, and one of the walls had a doorway with an open door, right in the middle of the overpass"

   "Anyway, I kept turning the tap handles of the sink faucet hoping that the grooves on the inside of the handles would catch the grooves on the valve stems that would shut the water off, but they just wouldn't work - it was frustrating."

 

   "The grooves"? The Doc asked. "What are these grooves?"

   "It's a geared mechanism Doc, it's how tap handles open and shut valves, but they're not really important. See, not only could I not shut off the water, but the water wouldn't drain. There was something blocking the floor drain, and soon the room started to fill up with water."

   "I looked down and saw the water that was filling the sink flowing out of this hose that was connected to the drain in the center of the sink tub and that lead to a floor drain, but the water wasn't draining - the floor drain must have been backed up, because the water was pooling up."

   "The taps were stuck wide open. I could turn the tap handles, but that had no effect - the water just kept flowing, so I decided to see if I could unblock the floor drain."

   "I got on my knees and started to feel around the floor drain to see if there was a towel or rag or some trash blocking it, but all I could feel was the hole pattern of the metal drain cover - it was a spiral pattern, like the one shown at the beginning of the Twilight Zone, but with holes instead of lines delineating the spiral pattern."

    "Hmmm Hmm...interesting," the Doc mumbled as he scribbled something down on his notepad.

   "There were these two spiders under the sink with me as I was trying to unblock the drain, both average size for spiders, but one was bigger than the other. And they were like the Laurel and Hardy of spiders, they kept tripping each other, entangling their eight legs together, and the fatter one kept swatting at the thinner one with a couple of it's legs. They didn't seem to notice that I was there at all, just kept trying to make their way across the wet floor while bumping into one another."

   "One of my older sisters was yelling at me to fix the sink, but wasn't in the room with me. She was just standing in the doorway yelling, telling me I needed to fix the sink."

    "That's it, that's all I can remember. Weird, huh? What do you think Doc?" 

   "Doc?" 

   "Doctor?"

    "Oh, excuse me, just lost in thought for a moment." The Doctor was writing as he spoke, then replied. "Most interesting, indeed. "Tell me, can you remember when this resentment for your mother first began to manifest itself in your dreams?"

The Happy Result Of The Unfortunate Affair*

   She was two months past her sixteenth birthday when she discovered she was pregnant. 

   That discovery had terrified her. 

   Obviously her parents, her mother and her stepfather, would want to immediately know who the father was, wanted to know who his parents were. 

    She cried when she considered all that entailed - the embarrassment, the tremendous emotional strain, the complications.

    It was somewhat of a relief when her stepbrother simply admitted that it was him. Three years her senior, he had lived in the same house, sleeping in a bedroom less than twelve feet from hers on the other side of the hallway, for the past nine years. 

    Neither of them had considered the other attractive in any manner whatsoever, until about six months before her sixteenth birthday, when one of her school friends had pointed out to her that her stepbrother was "hot."

   It was then that she started to think about him...differently. Slowly he became much less of an aggravation, much less of a nuisance. 

   He began to notice the change in her attitude a few weeks later. She was far less modest when she got up in the morning, walking down the hallway to the bathroom in just her underwear and a T-shirt. She seemed to go out of her way to pass through doorways at the same time he did.

   At first he tried to push the ideas/fantasies that were sprouting in his mind out, but slowly he started to cave in. The night of her sixteenth birthday was the last time he said no, to himself and to her.

   Now, twenty-two years later, their child was celebrating her graduation from college, something neither parent had ever thought would happen.

   It had been over a decade since both the parents and the child had stood in the same room together. Today, as they looked across the large round table at each other, at their respective current spouses, and at their own parents still happily together despite all that had transpired, they both wore countenances that suggested relief, if anything.

   Relief, it was assumed by all the other relatives and friends gathered in the small room with them, that somehow, some miraculous way, they hadn't screwed up the life of the young woman who was laughing and smiling with a group of her friends and fellow college graduates.

*This is a true story, as told to me by one of the parents of the college graduate and confirmed by other parties with knowledge of the situation.

Communication Shakedown

    Thousands of years ago the human animal made a giant collective leap in it's collective development.

   We, the family of man, learned how to communicate with one another using more than just grunts or gestures. We created words with which to label things, actions, ideas, etc.

   With words we were soon able to create languages with which we could clearly communicate.

   The importance of that giant leap forward cannot be overestimated. It's right up there with the mastery of fire, the discovery of the wheel, and threaded lids for jars.

   Yep, being able to speak words that indicated what one wants or needs or is willing to do made the sharing of ideas and desires much, much easier.

   Which is why, in this day and age, thousands of years after the collective invention of words and subsequent development of grammatical structure, and in a place where literacy is pretty much universal, it is extremely frustrating to order a chicken salad for lunch and have the server return with a bowl of chicken soup.

   Especially when the response to "But I didn't order a bowl of chicken soup, I ordered the chicken salad." is "Well, do you want the soup instead?"