I've been working on this for quite awhile, cobbling bits and pieces together as I either came across them or made a realization. If I ever had a son, this is the advice I would try to impart.
A daughter would get completely different advice. Why? Simple - because this advice is what I imagine Father/Son advice would be. This advice is in no particular sequence - I wrote it down as it came to me or as I found it. A lot of it is taken from the works of Baltasar Gracian, Ted Geisel and Theodore Roosevelt.
Here we go.
Spend time with your fellow men. Get involved with a group that will create a sense of belonging, well-being, stability, and security. Build connections with men who share your values, but do not be blind to others not like you but who have camaraderie, knowledge, and culture to share.
Your physical appearance is not a limitation. You may have bad acne, be over (or under) weight, have features you think are unattractive, etc. - do the best you can with what you have. Keep yourself clean (good, proper hygiene is a must), learn how to develop yourself physically through athletics and proper diet.
The physically attractive are often over-valued by society when they are young, but as physical attributes fade, unfortunately so will how society values them. As you age, you will need to increase your market value by developing useful skills, confidence in yourself and your abilities, and emotional maturity.
Keep the faith, however you chose it, and never, ever lose hope.
Develop the ability to focus on one project at a time. In any undertaking, start and work on that project until it is complete before starting another.
Never undervalue your worth.
Develop some class. Staring is rude, interrupting is rude, being loud is rude.
Learn to do the right thing at the right time.
If, as a man, you are regulated to the “just friends” status by a woman you desire very much, it is possibly because women often interpret excessive emotion and desire as too needy and possibly feminine. Most women have enough of their own emotions and neurosis to deal with and would prefer to not have you throw emotional baggage into the mix. Learn self-control in matters of emotion, and learn how to deal with emotionally challenging situations in a mature fashion
Stay calm, stay positive
Tolerance is a necessary virtue when dealing with people who are upset, but do not tolerate bullshit. If you are around people who are emotionally upset over nothing, find a way to distract them. If it’s the woman in your life, find out what takes her mind off her troubles - go for a walk with her, relate a funny story, take her dancing. If whatever you try doesn’t work, leave her alone. If it doesn’t stop in a reasonable amount of time, leave her.
Infidelity is never, ever acceptable and cannot be justified.
Occasionally, it may take awhile to discover for yourself that you are being disrespected or taken advantage of by someone you like - infatuation is insidious like that. However, once you have made the discovery, it is your responsibility to yourself to leave that person immediately. And do not look back.
If a woman is using you physically to rescue her from someone, she will eventually use another man to rescue her from you. In short, if she cheats on him with you, she’ll eventually cheat on you with someone.
Jealousy plants the seeds of your own destruction. Jealousy is insecurity, and it has no place in your life. Learn to live with other people having more than you, learn to live with other men paying attention to your mate - if you’re treating your mate right, she will regard it as a compliment and only as a compliment - and so should you.
You are never too old to grow. Keep learning, keep doing. Stay active, challenge your mind.
Always hope for, and work toward, the best. Don’t settle.
Never take a side in an argument until you thoroughly understand both positions - thoroughly (Did I mention thoroughly twice? That's because it's important.)
Being able to compromise in situations that require it is a manly trait. Learn how to be flexible, learn to distinguish when you are right from when it’s just your ego wanting to be right.
When anyone compliments you, smile, say thanks. Do not act as if it’s the first time you’ve ever been complimented, esp. if the compliment is from someone you are trying to get to know better.
Your worries are nothing but residue from an emotionally unsettled time. There is nothing wrong. Even when something is wrong, nothing is wrong, it is just a situation that needs to be dealt with, so deal with it. Deal with your problems as they present themselves. Dreading the arrival of any potential problem is a tragic and useless waste of time.
If you try hard, life will always get better. Emotional wounds heal.
Trains fall off the tracks with regularity, the economy goes up and down all the time. Ignore the Politicians and the doomsayers. Time has proven them wrong a thousand times over.
Self-pity is narcissism in disguise. People have a tendency to resent woe-is-me behavior. Never do it.
Both religious zealots and atheists can be (and often are) annoying. Keep both your beliefs and/or lack of belief to yourself. It’s deeply personal, and no one wants to hear it.
Never take advantage of or harm another fellow human being. The only justifiable reasons to harm another is self-defense or to protect another from harm. Learn to protect yourself, but also learn to react appropriately to threats real and perceived.
Men who talk too much get in trouble. Learn to shut up.
Depression is not an experience of pain, it is suppressed emotion of some sort - usually anger, fear, or doubt. Depression is a numbing strategy usually developed in childhood as a means of keeping one safe from pain brought on by emotional instability. An emotionally healthy person can allow themselves to feel anger, fear, doubt, etc. without reacting overtly to it. When you numb yourself to emotional pain through depression, and do not allow yourself to feel it, you are crippling your ability to feel joy and happiness.
There is no shame in seeking help when you are depressed, as there is also the possibility you suffer from a chemical imbalance. Modern medical science has made huge strides with that.
Smoking stunts emotional growth by inducing false calm and a mild euphoria. It works really well when you are young and life is easy, but the consequences are harsh. Take a close look at those over 40 who smoke, especially their faces.
All cultures are varied and have a lot to offer. However, be wary of those cultures that refuse to evolve and regulate any group of its membership to a subhuman status.
Do not have a child with a woman unless you have been with her for a number of stable years. If you have a child with an emotionally unstable woman, or you yourself are not emotionally stable, be prepared to support a family you will never enjoy and possibly never get to see.
Always leave them wanting more. Hold something in reserve for the next time out.
Sometimes your penis actually picks up on something you are blinding yourself to. If you cannot be aroused by a particular woman, that is your subconscious telling you that she is not right for you.
Never want a woman who does not want you. Learn to separate yourself from pointless desire. It is a waste of your time.
Do not marry anyone who does not love you as much as you love her.
Honor is a very important abstraction. Don’t expect everyone to understand it, but never forget it’s importance.
Forget the mistakes you make. Wishing you had taken a different course of action, spoken different words, etc. will get you nowhere. Learn what you did wrong, store the lesson in your memory, and move on. Those who cannot let go of the past are condemned to wallow in it.
Fight for what you learn and believe is right. Avoid fashion in your opinions. Current trends change like the wind and changing with them reveals you to be of dubious character. Your integrity is your biggest strength. Do not allow others to compromise your principals. Develop a moral compass.
Be skeptical but not cynical. If someone presents an extraordinary claim, asks for extraordinary proof. Hell, if someone presents an ordinary claim, at the very least ask for ordinary proof.
Never hesitate to reconsider. Learn to calmly deliberate. Sometimes a second look at an offer, situation, problem or challenge will present a solution that wasn't evident at first glance.
Celebrate your accomplishments quietly. Loudly proclaiming or boasting of your success irritates the hell out of everybody and leads to unnecessary resentment.
This Is Your Life
It is ending one minute at a time. Always bear that in mind, keep telling yourself that you can only physically live ONCE.
It will help you understand that although life is hard there is never, ever a reason you should simply give up.
If anything, the fact that life is hard should be a daily reminder that if you don’t do what you want and don’t push yourself to realize your dreams, you are wasting your life and…
…once you die, that’s it.
With that in mind, say NO to all the people that would try to manipulate you, get in the way of you chasing your dreams or your happiness.
Whether it’s bullies or blowhards in school, at work, or even at home - friends, mates, family, even parents, stop letting any of them dictate the course of your life.
There are at the very least two kinds of people: those who try and possibly succeed, and those who just watch what others try to accomplish but sit on their asses without doing anything themselves - except envy those who try.
Those are the ones that try to knock down all who have the heart to rise to their dreams. They are jealous of those who are willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want.
The result of being around such people is negative. There is no reason to have people around trying to bring you down as you climb the ladder of success in life.
DON’T let anything stop you! Just believe you can, because if your dream is rational (If you’re 5' 8” and you want to be the center for the New York Knicks, realign your perceptions of reality), and you believe and want your dream hard enough, you can and will actually achieve it.
You may think that sounds impossible, but once you die, there is absolutely no hope of getting a chance to chase your dream. You need to fully embrace life, so think positively, do what your heart tells you and don’t listen to people who would try to bring you down.
To cut a long story short:
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE IF YOU TRY, BECAUSE YOU WILL DEFINITELY LOSE IF YOU DON”T TRY.
Don’t be a martyr, don’t be a loser.
WIN, ACHIEVE. SUCCEED. ACCOMPLISH
Whether you not only die but also live, it’s up to you.
Develop confidence. Confidence is comprised of self-esteem and self-confidence. You can achieve any and all rational goals you establish for yourself. Never be afraid to take risk when the calculations add up.
Be sure you clearly understand the word "rational".
Develop control. Control is comprised of self-control, patience, and discipline. People like a take-charge guy, but not a guy who has to be in charge all the time, and no one likes a controlling guy. Never over-react, and in fact, be slow to react at all. Apprise the situation carefully before taking appropriate action.
Be a challenge. No one likes a push-over. In relationships, go in slowly, stop, back-up. See if she makes an effort. Hang back as long as it takes. Never be afraid to say no when your values and truths are being compromised. This takes effort, but it pays off. Do not be afraid of losing her - if she doesn’t make an effort, she isn’t worth the effort.
Once you are in a relationship with the woman you want, there are four very, very important things you must never forget:
1) Value her, be respectful.
2) Show appropriate affection. Sex is not necessarily affection - learn how to be physically affectionate without treating her as if she was a toy.
3) Pay careful attention to her when she really needs for you to listen . Learn to listen. Seriously.
4) Never forget that you are in a romance.
No woman has ever walked into a lawyer's office saying she wanted to divorce her husband because "My husband values me, is affectionate, listens to me, and is romantic.”
Care for those who share your life with you.
Oh, and all things in moderation, especially the mind and mood altering stuff.
P.S. Never wear stripes with plaid, unless you're in a band from Minnesota.
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