The Rules of Costco

These are the rules of Costco. They should be posted at the entrance of every store, right next to the hours.

1) Do not congregate around the sample ladies. Run into a neighbor or friend from church? That's lovely - have the reunion at the end of the paper products aisle. People are trying to get at the free samples and you and your long-lost pal are in the way. Shoo.

2) The sample ladies give out samples, not provide dinner. Take just the one.

3) It's Costco, not a library. Buy the book and read it at home.

4) Traffic flow down the aisles follows the American rules of the road. Keep to the right at all times, and never, ever proceed down any aisle with your friend/mate/mother/brother/sister, etc., two abreast. Seriously, why be an aisle hog.

5) Never try on any of the clothes in the clothing area. I'm talking to you Mr. 55-year-old-proud-of-your-beer-belly. If you do not know what size you wear at that stage in your life you have bigger problems than whether or not you'll have to return the shirt on your next visit.

6) Your kids are unruly little chumbaggers and you know it. Leave them at home.

7) You have been waiting in line for 15 minutes and only now, after the clerk has rung up all of your items, do you think it would be a good idea to search for your checkbook? Right. Don't do that.

8) There are 97 separate items in the two carts you are pushing and pulling through the check out line. The woman behind you has a single tub of margarine and the wheat bread two pack. Let her go first.

9) Finally, after you have loaded your purchases into your vehicle, put the empty cart in the cart corral. How hard can it possibly be? Costco provides a cart corral at both ends and in the middle of most every row of parking spaces. Don't be a lazy dick.