Saturday, July 21, 2012

What If...Reading Consumed A Thousand Calories An Hour?

                     What if...in another life, I had been encouraged to play football?

 Who doesn't play "What if?" I don't think I've ever met anyone who hasn't played some variation of the game, with themselves or with friends, aquaintances, etc.

   I play "What if?" constantly. I play it to extremes, both left and right. Over the years I've asked myself and my friends what I assume are universal "What if?" questions:

What if we are all just pawns in some inter-galactic chess match?

What if I had been born with ___________ superpower?

What if I had brown eyes?

What if I I could balance 57 pennies on my left elbow and catch them all in my left hand before they hit the ground after I had suddenly shot my left arm violently forward?

What if the next meal I eat is my last?

What if I have some incredibly awesome talent that is lying latent until I'm 80 or so, much like Grandma Moses?

What if I had been born in another country?

What if I had been born female?

What if I had been born deformed or disabled?

   To break up the monotony, I also ask a few esoteric "What if?'s":

What if I had been born with three arms?

What if I had twenty-four siblings?

What if I woke up one morning to discover I had grown large patches of hair all over my body?

What if I do one of those DNA tests and discover that I am not at all who I've always thought I am?

What if I get hit by lightning and wake up in a hospital and suddenly start to speak in a language that I had never studied, and insisted that my name was Fernando?

   Then there are the "What if?'s that I either have more questions about or attache stipulations to:

What if I had Chuck Lorre's wit? Would I also be saddled with his ego?

What if I looked exactly like Bob Dylan, but with a voice that sounded exactly like Suzanne Somers?

What if I had three fingers and a thumb on each hand? Would I have two large pupil-less eyes?

What if the world had a red sky? Would decidious tree leaves be purple in summer and light blue in the Fall?

What if Steve Martin had been born and raised in Germany? Would his humor translate well?

What if there was a food that I could eat that would only provide exactly the amount of calories I would expend on a given day, preventing me from ever gaining or losing weight? Would I get sick of it like I got sick of corn dogs?

What if I had become an insurance professional? Would I be wearing dark blue suits with red ties?

   The hours I've wasted with this little game...what if?

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