The Life-Long Conundrum

The nature versus nurture debate is a mother. For quite some time now I have been mystified by my own inability to consistently stay interested or focused on one single thing, to see a project through from start to finish without distraction.

It is never been possible for me to get started on a project, no matter how interested or enthusiastic I am about it, without eventually letting it sit in order to take up another project that catches my interest.

Naturally, I have neurotically pondered this shortcoming as if it was the answer to everything that has ever vexed me.

I've grilled myself like an attorney hopped up on dexies and caffeine, hoping to find that one little crack that I could exploit straight on until victory over self had been achieved.

The questioning was always relentless, and always the same.  

Why can't I work hard consistently? I seem to be capable of working hard, very hard, on certain projects for a certain amount of time, but eventually, I lose interest and enthusiasm and abandon the project. Why?

Why do I not have the ability to narrow my focus to one thing, one constructive thing that I can start and finish in a respectable amount of time?

Why is it so hard for me to develop a consistent schedule?

But the crack has never reveled itself.

I envy those who have the self-discipline to stick to a schedule, a routine, who start a project and finish it without distraction.

Have I been cheated genetically? Is it my genetic heritage to not be able to work consistently, hard or otherwise?

Or is it because I lacked an example of a persistently hard worker to mimic in my childhood? I don't think I was ever presented with an example of a hard worker from which to learn how to work hard - only an example of a stay at home mom who did what she could to survive.

Wait a minute, that's not true. I did have persistent, hard workers all around me as I grew up - my older brother, my older sisters, the parents and siblings of friends - they all worked hard, whether at jobs they loved or hated. They all took pride in what they did, too, whether it was the janitor at my elementary school or the manager at the Grocery store, most every adult I was in contact with as a kid worked to support themselves and their families.

Gotta figure it out, might take a little hard work and persistence, but I gotta figure it out.