Three Easy, Surefire Steps To Failure (Statistically Speaking)

 In these here United States, there is a Bureau of Statistics. 

Because people in the United States love statistics - that's why professional sports were created, to add to the joy of keeping track of occurrences and stuff.

Aside from knowing how likely a specific third baseman is going to strike out in the 8th inning with runners at the corners and facing a left-handed Pitcher with a wicked slider, the pitch-count being 2-2, statistics come in handy for predicting trends and behaviors, and probabilities. 

From that, certain rules can be formulated, such as the following three rules for failure. 

Now, these rules are not guaranteed to work for everybody, there are always exceptions, but the numbers show they bear out for most.

1) Do not graduate from High School. To really improve your odds of failure, drop out in 9th or 10th grade.

2) Get married before you are legally allowed to drink alcohol. If you can get married before your twentieth birthday, the odds of failure are even better.

3) Have a kid before you get married - that really ups the chances of failure right there.

Now, some of you may be asking "Hey, what constitutes failure? How is failure defined, statistically?"

Being poor, of course, living in poverty. That's how losing the game is construed in these here United States.