Instructions For Proper Use Of A Chair

   For my birthday this year my friend JER gifted me with a chair. Not just any chair mind you, but a genuine Chinese-made replica of the vaunted Eames chair, my third favorite chair of all time. 

   The chair came in two boxes and required assembly - basically you bolt the ottoman to the ottoman base, then put the seat and back of the chair together, then attach those two components to the seat base - all of which might take 15 minutes...then attach the padded armrests to the left and right sides...which takes, oh, I don't know, let's say an hour and a half.

   Seriously.

   The armrests do not go together as easily as the instructions indicate. The instructions are a lie. The unwritten secret to putting the padded armrests on is using a carpenters clamp to securely hold the armrests in place and snug them up close enough to the threaded holes to allow the short bolts to make sufficent contact to allow screwing them in.

   Which is not indicated anywhere in the assembly instructions.

   But this post is not about how fun assembling the chair and ottoman was. This post is about the pictogram instructions for the proper use of the chair and ottoman.

   What we are talking about here is the required safety labels.

   Safety labels are the law, and as such have been a boon to mankind. They have saved countless thousands from the dangers of using a hair dryer while showering, placing small pets in microwaves to dry them off after bringing them in from the rain, and standing on aluminum ladders situated in puddles of water that happen to be located directly below the live electrical wires you happen to be splicing together.

    So, here for your enjoyment are the safety pictograms that came with the chair.

   This one clearly indicates that one should never sit on the edge of the chair while having "the talk."

This one is a little more vague - it's either "Do not practice your Frontside Mute Slob handplant on the ottoman", or it's "The ottoman is not intended for use while breakdancing."

    No question about this one as it's the universally recognized "The chair is not my son" dance step from the great MJ, which obviously should never be practiced on the chair.

   Finally, we have to most important safety pictogram, the one that depicts the proper use of the chair and ottoman as being the reading of the newspaper while relaxing with your feet up.

  No word (or picture) on whether that includes utilizing your laptop or other electronic media transference devices as well.