Loosen Up, Lighten Up, If You Want Her To Stay

Surely you're familiar with the classic proverb

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Don't get me wrong I don't mean to carp

I just don't want to see your attentions make her wander

Dude you have to give her room to breathe

She likes you man she's not going to run away

But cousin you have to give her room to breathe

Put down that phone you just called her an hour ago

Give her time to miss you at least a little

Why are you in such a rush c'mon man take it slow

I'm not saying to stop completely just suggesting a small remittal

Dude you have to give her room to breathe

She likes you man she's not going to run away

But cousin you have to give her room to breathe

Things You Don't Want To Hear While Waiting On Hold...

   Yesterday while waiting on hold for a customer service rep to take my call I heard the following message: "All of our operators are currently busy at this time due to heavier than normal call volume. If you would like to leave your phone number and have a customer service representative call you back, press four now. Otherwise, stay on the line. There are currently 451 callers in the cue."

   That is not verbatim, but it's the gist of it. 451 callers ahead of me. Holy Baloney!

Stopping For A Burger In Carnarvon, Iowa (Pop...Maybe 50?)

   You may ask yourself, why oh why would anyone make a pit stop in such a tiny little hamlet such as Carnarvon, Iowa? Well, the answer is fairly simple: Hunger. 

   Hunger is a helluva motivator - if I get hungry enough I'll stop at the first place I see that serves food and is open, and the Trailside Roadhouse in Carnarvon, Iowa meet both criteria.

   Carnarvon is small - as in, there are probably fewer than forty structures in the town, and I'm including grain silos and storage sheds in that count.

   The road I was driving, Iowa highway 175, runs from the Nebraska border to an intersection with US 63 just south of Hudson, Iowa, which is a little more than 220 miles. However, it's only a two lane blacktop the entire way and passes through a lot of very small towns (the largest of these small towns is Onawa, with a pop. of less than 3,000), so pretty much anywhere I stopped was going to be small (pop. wise).

   Carnarvon had a few interesting sights, such as what looked to be a classic car graveyard across the street from the Trailside Roadhouse. The township is also along one of Iowa's designated bike paths and according to the two women who were working at the roadhouse, quite a few bike riders stop in for a bite as they make their way around Iowa via bicycle.

   The roadhouse did serve up an excellent burger and fries, which refueled me as needed. I got back on the road within thirty minutes and continued my journey to Farnhamville.

The Danger Of Needing Entertainment To Simulate Attention In Office Meetings

   When he wasn't speaking in cliches he was speaking in movie quotes, and God love him, it did make for entertaining business meetings.

   Primarily because of the unintentional amusement that the cliches and movies quotes provided the staff that were required to attend the meetings he scheduled at least three times every week.

   It was Ruby Thayer who came up with the idea for the cliche/movie quote Bingo Cards. She created 50 completely different Bingo cards over a rainy weekend last July, and handed them out to a few select, sworn-to-secrecy individuals.

   The cards had 25 squares just like standard, ordinary Bingo cards, but instead of numbers in the squares that were arranged in horizontal rows under the letters B,I,N,G,O, the squares were filled with movie quotes and cliches. If Mr. Greenberg quipped "You're going to need a bigger boat" to emphasize a need for more of an item, or stated "low hanging fruit" in reference to an easy sale, and those were on your card, you marked them with an X.

   After the meeting the participants gathered in one of the breakroom's and checked cards for any Bingo's. Any card that had a verified Bingo was awarded a prize from Granderson's supply closet, usually extra pens for a single Bingo, but a blackout Bingo could earn one a new PC.

   An unintended consequence of the surreptitious game was that it caused the participants to pay extremely focused attention to Mr Greenberg as he made his presentations, which had given him the false impression that what he was presenting was not only interesting and of use, but was invaluable. 

   Which encouraged him to add a few extra meetings every other week or two.

   Needless to mention, productivity in the office fell off a little...which led to even more meetings. It was a vicious loop.

The Follies & Fallen Nature Of The Superfluous

The man, mad and delirious, was demanding a cup of banana tea

Preferably, he screamed, with a croissant prepared on a rotisserie

Slathered with royalty-free cream and cinnamon wasabi

Served with a side of kool-aid pickles and finely sliced kohlrabi

The staff, to their credit, were scrambling to find the necessary hoodoos

In order to cleanse the wasabi mixer of the previous evenings fondus 

The barista carefully noted the man's name on a fiberboard cup

All the while wondering if the miscreant had the means to pay up

Suddenly, everyone's cellular phones started ringing

The cacophony oddly reminiscent of drunken Swedes singing

Hello, hello, was being shouted by the hysterical bourgeoisie

Trying hard to make a connection over the din of the shivaree

Oddly enough the man who had been mad and delirious was now calm

Standing patiently while waiting on his order with nary a qualm

Memorial Day In The United States May 25th 2026

 

Something Written In 1992 & No Recollection Of The Impetus Exists

Don't want you to make excuses for me

Well aware as I am of the embarrassing shortcomings

That haunt my steps 

If there's a bigger dummy on the block I don't want to know

If there's a bigger dummy on the block, put him in a show

'cause I'm damn tired of being an idiot

'cause I'm damn tired of making mistakes

'cause I'm damn tired of being foolish

'cause I'm damn tired of making escapes

Don't want to plead for attention

There is at least a faint trace of pride left  

Somewhere, I know it's around here, somewhere

If there's a weaker Cavalier on the block, I don't want to know

If there's a weaker Cavalier on the block, put him in a show 

'cause I'm damn tired of being an idiot

'cause I'm damn tired of making mistakes

'cause I'm damn tired of being foolish

'cause I'm damn tired of making escapes