The Joy Of A Well-Turned Curse

This afternoon as I stood in line at the Post Office I overheard two women talking about someone they both knew who had done something particularly unpleasant to another mutual acquaintance. 

One of the women quipped in the course of the conversation that she hoped "his dick rotted like a month old banana." 

Needless to say, I literally had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. The urge to high-five that woman for such a colorful curse was nearly overwhelming.

Afterward, as I drove back to the house, I thought about how much of a shame it is that people don't curse creatively more often.

Curses have gone the way of the laudatory blessing, which is, I suppose, fitting, as curses and blessings are the opposite sides of a very fickle coin.

Nowadays, people want to be derogatory towards someone, it's usually a quick "Fcuk 'em!"

Which is not creative, and dreadfully boring, and just plain lazy.

There was a time when people cursed, and writers wrote curses, and actors spoke curses in the dialogue of well-written movies.

The first curse I can recall hearing was the classic "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits." Klinger said that on an episode of M*A*S*H. Of course now I know it's a timeless classic, but at the time I didn't - I just thought it was a riot.

For awhile it seemed like almost all of the literature I was exposed to contained at least one good curse, and so did a great number of the movies I watched.

That must of been due to the fact that I read a lot of old classic fiction, and watched a lot of old classic films.

Thinking about creative curses got me thinking of some of the curses I had chanced upon in my youth. Here are some of my favorite curses of all time, with attribution if I can recall where I heard or read it (I will not be delving into Google to seek out the true originator of any of these curses, I'm just going to write where I heard or read them first):

"You misbegotten offspring of questionable parentage." That was from an issue of Conan written by Roy Thomas. I have no idea if it originated with him, but that's where I first read it.

"May you fall into the cesspool of an outhouse at a Grateful Dead show just before the bad brownies hit the intestines of the Deadheads who drank all the bad spiked cider." T.J., a guy I was in the USAF with said that once. T.J. was one funny dude.

"May your wedding feast give you the runs on your wedding night." That's a traditional Irish curse I heard from a girl named Gemma when I was living in Glasgow (She wasn't saying it to me, just telling me it).

"May you be able to heat your home from the heartburn caused by your wife's cooking." Is a Jewish curse I heard years ago from a half-Jewish, half-Protestant guy I met in a youth hostel in London. We were playing trivial pursuit and he was losing badly when he said it.

"May your son fall in love with a nice Jewish Doctor!" used to be a common Jewish curse. Hard to imagine it still carrying the weight it once did. I don't recall where I first heard that - might have been in a movie.

"May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose" is a funny one from a Country song by Jimmy Dickens. Mr. Meyers had that song on one of his 3 hour long reel-to-reel tapes.

I was raised in Southeast San Diego, and at the time it was a predominately black neighborhood. I heard a lot of great insults back then, but not a lot of great curses. The only insult I ever heard that was even close to a curse was "I hope your mama makes you take a bath so we can see how white you really are." That was one black guy speaking to another, btw.

My maternal ancestry is Lithuanian and I've done a bit of research on the people and culture of Lithuania, and while there is a lot of interesting stuff there, cursing is not, shall we say, a practiced art among the Lithuanians.

Lithuanians just aren't much for serious cursing. Their curses seem a bit silly, actually. A classic example is "May you drown in a spoon."

What's that supposed to mean? Are you hoping somebody shrinks to a size that allows for drowning in a spoon? Is it a wish that a person should trip and fall into a Giant's spoon and thus drown? I don't get it.

That's probably my curse, not getting it. I pissed off a Gypsy in Barcelona one evening, and she spat something at me that I roughly translated as "May your brain be dwarfed by a grain of sand."

That's gotta be it.

The Successful Eradication

     
                               Janet Parker

Was the last human

                                    To die

                                              Of Smallpox

On a cold day in September of 1978

Smallpox had been

               A rampant killer of men

                                Children and Poets, Matrons and Kings

                                For 10,000 years and more

                                But none in the last 34

In the 20th century 

The historical record shows

That Smallpox ushered 500 million to the gates of Hell

And blinded millions that survived

Leaving millions more who wished they were dead

                    Men set out

                            To assassinate this decimator of humanity

                    That had killed 2 million as recently as 1967

                    A little more than a decade elapsed

                            And the little enemy was defeated

Edward Jenner

Who had noticed milkmaids were immune

Pronounced vaccination

Would save the world

And he was right

All hail Edward Jenner

Panhandling Addicts And The Scam-A-Lam-A-Ding-Dong

                                         
This evening, as I was making my way home from work, I stopped at the market to pick up a few essentials. As I was walking towards the entrance of the store I noticed two people, a man and a woman, approaching people returning to their cars.

Just as I was about to enter the store I witnessed one man aggressively say "No!" to the young woman, get into his vehicle, slam the door shut, and almost violently speed away.

I saw that, and all I could think was..."Yes!"

For I knew the couple in the parking lot were addicts - crack, meth, or a similar integrity-stripping affliction, and they were working the lot to get enough cash to satisfy a mind/body craving that would eventually kill them if they were not lucky enough to get help.

These were not people in need, not a young couple who were stranded because their car ran out of gas and they just needed a few bucks to get back to...who knows where. They were not a couple down on their luck who needed a hand-up-not-a -hand-out (they would emphasize that distinction in their pitch), not a young couple who had just lost their jobs/benefits/house...

They were addicts scamming, and they still are, somewhere out in the 'burbs of Denver.

As I shopped for the few things I needed I thought of what I would say when the young girl approached me when I left the store. I knew it would be the young girl, not the young man, because the young man would be targeting women, usually older women who looked like they might have a son his age.

I also wondered what she would say to me. Would it be the plea for a few dollars for gas or a few dollars for the essential part that needed replacing? Would it be the "I'm from out of town and just need a few dollars for bus fare to get home"? Or would I hear, for what would now number well past the thousandth time, the claim that she has children at home and her old man ran out on her?

Scamming addicts approach people who have made small purchases as they leave the market because they know small purchases are usually paid for in cash, and the change from said purchases is usually shoved hastily in a pocket.

Their target was that change. They wanted that change.

Having been fortunate enough to get around a bit, and preferring to walk about every place I visit, large or small, I have been approached by scammers in at least 35 different states and 8 or 9 different countries on a couple of different continents. 

The pitches are universal, as if they are part of a scamming handbook.

I have also been intrigued by the homeless for a few decades now, so much so that I have volunteered at homeless shelters and rescue missions just about everywhere I have ever lived for any sufficient period of time.

That's actually kind of a payback thing, as...for those who don't know, I have also been homeless. It was a long time ago, but...it happened.

What does all that mean? It means I learned a long time ago the difference between a person who has fallen on hard times and an addict.

Homeless people usually stay close to shelters or missions. They will usually have all of their belongings with them (bedroll, clothes,etc.) and they will usually look very, very defeated and somewhat ashamed. They also never, ever have a story, they just ask for some change.

It might go to drugs or alcohol, but they don't try to church the plea up. They just ask for change, or they don't even ask - they just stand there with a hand or hat out. They never canvas parking lots.

Scamming addicts will actively pursue a mark. They size people up, targeting older people. They also have canned pleas that they have learned from other addicts or travelers.

They will also usually be a bit presentable, so as to not scare the marks. 

I've been approached by people asking for money for food, and when I've offered to buy them food they have walked away. I've offered to drive people across town to the apartment where their wallets are and they have walked away. I've offered to take people to the bus station, buy them a ticket and see them on their merry way. No takers.

I usually look right at the shoes of anyone who approaches me. Shoes are a telling feature. There are a few other tells - hair, fingernails (fingernails are a biggee - addicts tend to bite their nails down to the quick, homeless people have dirty nails).

So I was thinking all this as I left the market...and sure enough the woman made a bee line right for me (my one small bag being the tell).

She was about 15 yards away before she started with "Sir, could you spare a little change? I have three small children at home and I need to get enough money for food and anything you could..." 

That's when I turned to her and said "Shut up. I don't enable addicts. Aggressive panhandling is illegal here, so you had better get going."

She stood her ground, replying, "I'm not panhandling, I have three hungry children that I need to feed."

That probably worked on quite a few people. But the evidence of her duplicity was readily apparent.

It was 45 degrees out. It has warmed up a bit this week, but it's still February in Colorado. It was cold. She was sweating. Her skin actually glistened.

I know an addict when I see one, trust me on this.

Looking straight at her, I repeated "I don't enable addicts. You can get help. Right now you are aggressive panhandling and I think I'm going to call the cops."

As soon as I said "cops" she turned around and walked to a car a row over. The guy she had been with earlier must have been sitting in the front seat, because she got in the passenger side as the car started up. Then they drove off.

Never, ever give an aggressive panhandler a cent. Want to play altruistic lover-of-humanity? Volunteer your time at a shelter, or, at the very least, donate a few cans of non-perishable food or maybe some toiletries - they always need soap, toilet paper, toothbrushes, etc.

But do not, under any circumstances, aide and abet an addict in killing themselves. There is the very real possibility that there is an intelligent person being held captive by the addiction, and they need to hit bottom in order to break free.

Step out of the way and let them fall.

They Spell It Louisville, But Pronounce It Lewisville

                                   Louisville has quite the modern town hall

The small Colorado town of Louisville, located a few miles north of Denver, was founded in 1877 as a mining town (incorporated in 1882) in an area known as the Northern Coalfield.

It was not a company town though, as there was no single large company that controlled coal mining such as was found in other coal mining areas of the country.

Meaning, of course, that Tennessee Ernie Ford would have had nothing to sing about.

There were a number of independent mines operating in Louisville, something like 30 or so, from the peak of mine production in the later half of the first decade of the 20th century until the mid 1950's. 

           A punching machine used by coal miners in a Louisville mine from 1880 until 1940

During the late 1910's, Louisville was the site of violent conflicts between striking miners and private guards who were employed to keep the striking miners out of the mines while scabs were hired to replace them.

   The Louisville Historical Museum, open 10:00 - 3:00, Tuesday, Wednesday & Saturday

Now the town of almost 19,000 residents (which refers to itself as a city, but seriously, it barely qualifies as a town) has become what Family Circle magazine, CNN/Money and Money magazine have named the single best place to raise a family, and concurrently one of the best places to live in the country.

                                                Main Street Louisville

It's nice, I'll give you that. And the neighborhoods, old and new, are inhabited by some interesting, eccentric personalities (no doubt the neighboring city of Boulder has a bit to do with that).

                         I'm pretty sure this house was once a church

                             Built in 1920, this home has been shown some serious TLC

                                                          Great color correlation
   

                                     A more...interesting color combination in Louisville

                             Blue and yellow are popular house colors in Louisville
            
I like neighborhoods that boast an esoteric home or two, decorated with unusual yard art or peculiar modifications to otherwise traditional tract homes, and Louisville is chock full of 'em.

                            That is one cool piece of yard art

                    Don't know if it's a Dinosaur or a Roadrunner, but it's pretty cool.

                                             That is one involved pour for a driveway.

Driving along Main Street in Louisville is a neat little journey through a quirky little place that combines modern office buildings with older buildings that may have once been private residences, movie theaters, garages or grocery stores and have now been re-purposed as restaurants and art gallerys, pubs, bars, antique stores or museums.

                      A little bit of Boulder may have leaked into Louisville

                                               Classic '50's signage atop the Empire

                                 Eclectic architecture and Prius's...everywhere

            Zucca Italian restaurant - stop in for a BBQ pizza and delight the hell out of your taste buds.

                  Just the appearance of this place makes me want to be old timey jovial

   Memorial to John "Biker Jesus" Breaux, a beloved local figure who was killed in 2009 while riding his bike by a driver afflicted with dementia

In the newer residential neighborhoods it is evident that an effort has been made to maintain a design aesthetic that melds the feel of the original small mining town with the needs of modern commuter families.

                            New construction, but with a bold approach to color

                                   Yellow houses...brought a tear of happiness to my eye.

It is also evident that an artistic, creative spirit is alive and thriving in Louisville, quite a welcome relief from the blah-every-house-needs-to-be-a-shade-of-beige that most suburban tract developments exhibit in the greater Denver area.

                                      Hip and modern "new" Louisville

                                                 The Louisville Public Library

                           The restored Steinbaugh Pavilion, currently in use as an ice rink

If you are ever up in the Flatirons area near Co 36 and McCaslin Blvd (or Interlocken Loop, which becomes Northwest Parkway, but then you have to jag west to get on 96th Street before you end up in Lafayette or North Westminster), take a few hours or so to drive the 4 miles north to Louisville, have lunch in one of the nice little restaurants, read a book in the fireside reading room in the spectacular library, or pay a visit to the historic Steinbaugh Pavilion for some ice skating (in winter) or a concert (in summer).

               Louisville...still somewhat rural despite the march of time and all that brings...

If You Had To Vote In Order To Secure The Right Not To Vote, Would You?

                                        Carlsbad, California, March 2012

If an election was held today, and this were Peru or Belgium, you'd have to vote. That's due to a policy in both of those countries that requires all citizens of age to vote and since Sunday is a day in both of those countries that most businesses are closed, the elections are held on Sunday.

Mandatory, or compulsory voting for all you semantics sticklers, intrigues me. Primarily because it presents a Catch-22 of sorts for my feeble brain. I agree that people, the citizens of a country, should have the right to chose their governments by voting for the representatives of their choice. Governments of choice are, in my opinion, a basic human right (that whole "...to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men..." thing).

However, I also strongly believe that non-participation, as long as it does not take advantage of or harm another human being, is also a basic human right.

Yeaaahhh...It's a prickly one, that. 

Ten countries actively enforce compulsory voting, and another 13 countries have laws on the books that make voting mandatory.

A few of the countries that strictly enforce their voting laws have long histories of Democracy (uhm, as long as can be expected considering universal suffrage, the right to vote for all citizens who have reached the age of majority, regardless of gender, race, property ownership, wealth, etc, is a relatively new concept. New Zealand, in 1893 was the first country on the planet to actually allow all citizens, male, female, rich, poor, etc., to vote).

Realistically, that gives a record of maybe 100 years of compulsory voting in almost 2 dozen countries for a review to determine whether or not requiring a populace to vote is actually effective in producing truly representational governments.

The 10 countries that enforce compulsory voting are Uruguay, Peru, Argentina, Ecuador and Brazil in South America, Australia and Nauru in Oceania, The Democratic Republic of the Congo in Africa, Singapore in Asia, and Luxembourg in Europe.

Of those 10 countries,  Luxembourg only requires voting in regional elections, and only if you signed up to vote - don't sign up to vote, and you don't have to.

Luxembourg is also a Constitutional Monarchy - it's 2013, what's up with that?

All 5 of the South America countries have suffered through multiple civil wars since they were founded/declared their independence (from either Spain or Portugal) and all of them have at various times been ruled by military juntas or de facto Dictators (a Dictator's a Dictator, voted in or not - Hitler was voted into office).

Nauru, the 2nd smallest country in the world, is an interesting case study. With a population of less than 10,000 and a history of tribal/family councils, the politics on the island are a bit volatile - as in over 20 different administrations since 1989 volatile.

Singapore requires that anyone over 21 vote, and if you vote for the People's Action Party, your vote will count (the P.A.P. has not lost an election since 1959). Singapore is considered one of the least corrupt countries on the planet, so there must be something that works over there (of course, it ranks extremely low in freedom of speech and freedom of assembly, which may have a lot to do with it, too).

The Democratic Republic of the Congo, a country that unfortunately played host to what is known as the African World War from 1998 through 2003 (a period that saw 9 different African countries involved in bloody fighting that resulted in the deaths of over 5 million people, the highest casualty rate in a conflict since WWII), requires all citizens to vote regardless. The D.R.C. can pretty much be deemed the bad example of the effectiveness of compulsory voting.

The good example of compulsory voting is the second country that put the law on the books, Australia. 

The law there states that a person must register, must go to the polls, must receive a ballot, and must drop it in the box. The law does not state that the ballot must be filled out in any specific manner, thus allowing those who do not wish to vote to drop in a blank ballot.

The Australians make voting compulsory and allow an out of sorts at the same time.

Which swings me back around to the other side of the coin, the right not to vote. There is no country that actually guarantees a person the right not to vote. The vast majority of countries simply make voting optional.

Which is fine by me, with the proviso that those who do not vote, who do not participate in the political process in the least little bit, shut the hell up when it comes to complaining about the government they live under.

Debating the right not to vote quickly devolves into an argument as to whether voting is a basic civil right, or if it is an actual civil obligation, a duty.

If voting is a right, akin to the right to free speech, personal liberty, representation in a court of law, choosing a favorite color, etc., then it's fairly easy to argue that it's ones right not to exercise that right.

Consider the following cases: 

There are religious orders that decree that followers not participate in politics - is it an infringement on a person's right to freedom of religion to compel them to vote?

If a person has absolutely no faith in the political system shouldn't it be their right not to have to participate in it? 

If voting is a civic duty, doesn't it logically follow that there is the chance that people who wish to protest an election will cast votes for the candidate least capable of winning, and most likely least capable of fulfilling the duties of the office if they should win?

That scenario, btw, plays out in elections world-wide. Fictional characters, from Snoopy to Obi-Wan Kenobi, have received votes in elections held in countries all over the planet. 

It's a tough call, this one. All I'm actually certain of is that people should vote, just because they can. It's a privilege the vast majority of humans on the planet have only known for a fairly short time.

If anything, it gives you the justification of stating "Don't blame me, I didn't vote for that asshat".

The Social Synapse Loses Ground

                                             In the land of the people of the mountains

Once, a short time ago, we sat in restaurants
 Bars, cafes, church meeting rooms, union halls, clubs
We looked at one another
Or at least in the general area 
                    Where we would be 
                 Seated or standing
There was a certain space we kept ourselves in
                                   And                     
                                   
 Depending on how intimate 
We wanted our contact to be 
                            We maintained a space between us
Consciously or subconsciously 
        We sized each other up, we gauged, we judged 
                            Eyes were looked into or avoided
Expressions, smiles, grimaces, smirks 
           All were given weight 
                     All were awarded a degree of magnitude
                Posture, lean, angle, tone, pitch
         All of it was taken and processed
    Possible friends or foes determined within seconds

   Now
       We I.M.
               Chat online
           Send text messages 
Coupled with emoticons 
           Hoping the words we type out
                           Are enough
              To convey what we feel, what we mean

                  Hoping to reach another human
        Without having to risk meeting another human

   Orange Day Lily, Oil, 9" X 12", January 2013 - the smallest painting I've ever attempted

I finished this little painting yesterday. It is by far the smallest painting I've ever attempted in oils. It was both a challenge, and somewhat simple. The challenge was in creating a sense of depth on such a small surface. The simple part was the actual production, as it was, well, small.