"Bernie," Gordon started. "You have got to help me out. I had no idea what to get Erica for Christmas and when I asked her what she wanted for Christmas just two weeks ago, she told me that she didn't want anything - that us just being together was all she really needed for Christmas. So naturally I didn't get her anything. This morning at breakfast she handed me a gift and said "Merry Christmas," and sat there staring at me like I was supposed to hand her a gift too...and now, well, now I'm here in a coffee shop on the afternoon of Christmas day trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong."
"My friend, your problem is a simple one. You are an idiot."
Bernie had never been one for sugercoating.
"Thank you Rabbi Grossfeld. Succinct as usual. Look Bernie, you're my only Jewish friend and Erica's Jewish, sorta, and I figure you must have some insight here. Help a brother out!"
Bernie laughed and smiled at his friend Gordon. "You think I have any better idea of what that woman's about simply because we both have Jewish families? That is funny. Throw out any illusion you may have that I understand Jewish women any better than you simply because I'm Jewish too."
"C'mon, Bern, you and Kate have the best relationship of any couple I know - you have to know a helluva lot more than I do."
Gordon looked at his friend Bernie with as much desperate pleading as he could muster.
"That Kate and I have a reasonably harmonious relationship is due to all the work my parents and her parents did to ensure we would be compatible before we ever even met- and then, after we met, we got lucky, each of us finding the other attractive and fun to be with. That's all."
"What? Gordon said a little incredulously. "You and Kate have an arranged marriage?"
Bernie paused a few beats before responding. "Not like you are assuming we do, no. Our meeting each other was arranged, yes, but we had a fairly standard courtship before we eventually decided we should get married. But both Kate and I, and more importantly our families, are far more orthodox than your Erica is."
"What the heck difference does being orthodox have to do with anything? What does that even mean? Is there some sort of book of procedures and protocols I should be following because I'm dating a Jewish woman?"
Gordon looked and felt more confused than ever.
"Gordon, explaining Jewish mating rituals to your Goy ass is not easy. Do you remember my last year in college, when I first started dating? My Aunt Miriam kept prodding me with requests to meet with the single daughters of her friends and co-workers, all of them guaranteed to be the woman I was always meant to be with? Do you remember that?"
"Yeah, man, we all thought it was odd you didn't date until your senior year, but you know, don't ask don't tell. And that Aunt of yours was something else. Didn't she end up marrying Professor Seldon?"
Bernie smirked. "She did, but that's beside the point I'm trying to make here. See, dating for Jews is not quite the same as it is for Gentiles, especially not for orthodox Jews. Jewish men don't just go up to women in bars or bowling alleys and ask a woman they find attractive out for drinks and hope for a good time. A single Jewish person, male or female, kind of gets directed toward people to date that a member of their family, or even a family friend, has done a little research on and believes to be worthy of dating and maybe even marriage."
"Whoa - you are set up with women to date with the idea that marriage is already in the picture?"
"Yeah, pretty much," Bernie replied. "But bear in mind it's only expected if you keep dating - if there's no connection after the first date, then there's no point in dating further, you see?"
"Huh," was all Gordon could answer.
"However, that was not the deal with you and Erica." Bernie drummed his fingers on the small table before continuing.
"Erica, as you said is only 'sorta Jewish'. You're Catholic, or more accurately, 'sorta Catholic', at least that's your family religion. On top of that, you're both the American variant. That makes a huge difference in the way you approach both your respective religions and dating."
"Why, because we don't let ancient traditions and religious edicts dictate how we live our lives?" Gordon said this nonchalantly but not with any intentional irreverence.
"Yes, and no." Bernie paused feeling a little frustrated himself. "Think about this - four, or was it five? years ago you bought that Chevy Silverado. You bugged the crap out of everyone telling us all about the other trucks you were considering. You test drove twelve different trucks, looked up reviews in a bunch of different magazines, and then made a decision only when there was a zero interest offer available. Remember that?"
"Of course I do, " Gordon said, "I like to buy a vehicle I know will last me at least 10 years without costing me a fortune."
"Ah," Bernie intoned, "But still you don't know much more about that truck you bought than you do the other ones you test drove, do you? I mean, you don't know that truck like a mechanic would, do you? You looked for what you considered the best deal on a truck you liked that you felt sure was a good deal, right? You catch what I'm getting at here?"
"What, that maybe I rushed into a relationship with Erica too quickly, that maybe I wouldn't be in a coffee shop in the middle of the afternoon on Christmas day if I'd done a little more research into Erica's background?'
Bernie slumped his shoulders a little. "Not quite, but yeah. The both of you of may have rushed a little too quickly into a relationship and the both of you probably could have delved far more into each other's background, that's no-brainer stuff, but that's not really my point and most importantly, no longer here nor there, at least not if you want to get things patched up with Erica."
"Well then what are you talking about?"
"I'm not sure. I think I'm trying to tell you that Erica being Jewish is not the issue, and neither is the fact that you two got together without the benefit of knowing anything about each other. I think I'm trying to tell you that Erica is a woman, and women, like men, sometimes say and do things that are contradictory. I'm also maybe trying to say that you should know by now that if a woman tells you she doesn't want anything in the way of a present, then you probably would be well served to have a present ready just in case she is in fact expecting a present."
"And that's going to help me how?"
Bernie looked at his now empty cup of coffee and then at Gordon. "Again, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure you should be talking to Erica about this though, and not me. Anyway, Kate is expecting me soon - we're exchanging gifts - we're not trying to bridge the gap between Jews and Gentles, we just like to give each other gifts, just to say we appreciate each other. It's just coincidence we do it during the Christmas Holidays."
Bernie smiled as he got up to leave. "Catch my drift?"
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