What I Ate In 2022

   At the beginning of 2022 my Doctor requested I keep a food diary for the month so he could get a clear picture of what I was eating. As I was weighing far more than any human not involved in Sumo wrestling should, I agreed to the task.

   Except I couldn't stop once I got started. For the entirety of 2022 I have faithfully written down everything I ate for everyday of the year. 

   Everything. 

   Truth be told, it kinda scared me how much junk I had been eating, consciously and not so consciously.

   I considered listing here what I ate as I wrote it down day by day, but that would be much too much to type, so I just gathered up all the info and decided to list it by most to least foods I ate and the total quantity consumed. So, without further ado here is the complete tally.

Bacon: 348 pieces

Tater tots (topped with cheese): 162

Oreo cookies: 150

Chicken breasts: 107

Turkey meatballs: 106

Chicken legs: 104

Mini quiche (spinach and cheese): 90

Hershey kisses: 83

Hamburger paddies (without buns or bread): 77

Pizza slices (usually meat lovers): 71

Tootsie rolls (small ones): 62

Cheese slices (Pepper jack, invariably): 59

Omelets (3 eggs, beef sausage & cheese or ham & cheese) 52

Cheese snacks (1.5 oz individually wrapped pieces of sharp cheddar): 50

Beef sausages: 49

Ramen cup o' soup (made with chicken broth): 46

Jalapeno poppers: 44

Tacos (beef, cheese, sour cream): 40

Mini candy bars (mostly chocolate): 39

Chicken wings: 36

Kielbasa sausage (6 oz): 33

Steaks (10 oz New York Strip): 32

Bratwurst (2.5 oz pork): 32

Spare ribs: 30

Spring vegie rolls: 26

Toast slices (wheat or sourdough): 25

Cheeseburgers: 24

Hot dogs: 24

Hard boiled eggs: 21

Small chocolate treats (dark, of course): 20

Garlic shrimp: 20

Chili con carne (10 oz bowl): 18

Mini cheese wheels: 16

Loaded baked potatoes (cheese, bacon bits, sour cream, chives): 16

Tamales, pork: 14

Bacon wrapped shrimp: 14

Deep fried onion rings: 14

Deviled eggs: 14

Scrambled eggs: 10

Fish sticks: 10

Vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup (10 oz bowl): 9

Fried eggs (broken yolk): 8

Breakfast burritos (eggs, beef or pork sausage, cheese): 8

Breakfast tacos (eggs, bacon, cheese): 8

Chicken Noodle soup (8 oz bowl): 8

Tamales, cheese & chili: 8

Kit Kat bars: 8

Chorizo sausage (generally 6 oz each): 8

Beef and cheese burritos: 8

White chocolate macadamia nut cookies: 8

Cheese enchiladas: 8

Beef ravioli (10 oz bowl): 8

Ham slices (thick, hickory-smoked): 7

Vegie medley (4 oz bowl, broccoli, corn, carrots, cauliflower) 7

Breaded chicken breasts: 6

Reese's Peanut Butter cups: 6

Wheat bread slices: 6

Breaded fish (usually Atlantic cod): 6

Pork chops: 6

Pasta salad (16 oz bowl): 6

Donuts: 5

Chicken fries (servings of 10 fries): 4

Spanish ham soup (8 oz bowl): 4

Bacon-wrapped cheese-stuffed chicken breasts: 4

McD's spicy chicken sandwich: 4

Chicken McNuggets: 4

Nachos with beef and cheese, 12 oz servings (black olives, sour cream): 4

Biscuits with gravy: 4

Cheese quesadillas (large tortillas): 4

Ham & Cheese sandwiches (on wheat) 4

Klondike bars: 4

Birthday cake (small slices): 4

Grilled cheese sandwiches: 4

Chicken Tortilla soup (8 oz bowl): 3

Jumbo Jacks: 2

Bow-Tie pasta salad (12 oz bowl): 2

Huevos rancheros: 2

Broccoli cheese soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Burger King bacon double cheeseburgers: 2

Burger on a bun (with pickles, onion, lettuce, tomato) 2

Chicken salad with guacamole (16 oz bowl): 2

Garden salad (16 oz bowl): 2

Caesar's salad with grilled chicken (16 oz bowl): 2

Gyro sandwiches (with Tzatziki sauce): 2

Chipotle ham soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Chicken and peppers soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Biscuits (buttered): 2

Thick slices of fresh baked bread with butter: 2

French toast slices: 2

Barbacoa bowl (8 oz bowl): 2

Cheese soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Cheese and bacon soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Beef & potato soup (8 oz bowl): 2

Cole slaw (6 oz bowl): 2

Chicken curry: 2

Toblerone chocolate bars: 2

Chicken and elk sausage with pasta (12 oz bowl): 1

Pumpkin crumble (5 oz) 1

Pumpkin pie with whipped cream (7 oz) 1

Pecan pie with whipped cream (8 oz) 1

Chicken bacon cheese sandwich: 1

Rueben sandwich: 1

The following was measured in ounces:

Salami: 632 oz

Mixed nuts: 360 oz

Pig skins: 348 oz

Cheese whisps: 343 oz

Cheez-its: 301 oz

Peanuts: 252 oz

Cheetos: 166 oz

Mashed potatoes: 145 oz

Green beans: 136 oz

Pepperoni: 96 oz

Potato chips: 83 oz

Broccoli: 76 oz

Goldfish crackers: 70 oz

Asparagus: 66 oz

Shrimp: 64 oz

French fries: 60 oz

Dark Chocolate: 60 oz

Summer sausage: 56 oz

Tortilla chips: 56 oz

Lasagna: 50 oz

Chocolate covered mints: 48 oz

Spinach-artichoke dip: 46 oz

Hash browns: 45 oz

Fried rice: 40 oz

Beef stuffed bell peppers: 40 oz

Fried potatoes: 40 oz

Pita chips: 38 oz

Refried beans: 36 oz

Shrimp fettucine: 32 oz

Boiled peanuts: 32 oz

Sesame sticks: 32 oz

Popcorn: 32 oz

Corned beef hash: 24 oz

Fruit salad: 24 oz

Irish Cave cheese 23 oz

Carrots (boiled): 20 oz

Pistachios: 20 oz

Pulled pork: 20 oz

Almonds: 18 oz

Guacamole: 16 oz

Cold cuts: 15 oz

Pinto beans: 12 oz

Salsa: 12 oz

Cheese puffs: 12 oz

Corn: 12 oz

Black beans: 12 oz

Macaroni and cheese with peas: 12 oz

Fried pickles: 12 oz

Turkey: 10 oz

Chocolate wafers: 9 oz

Prime rib: 8 oz

Feta cheese: 8 oz

Soup crackers: 8 oz

Brownie brittle: 8 oz

Frito's: 8 oz

Mini chocolate chip cookies: 6 oz

Green bean casserole: 6 oz

Stuffing: 6 oz

Scalloped potatoes: 5 oz

Onions: 6 oz

M & M's: 4 oz

Peanut butter fudge: 4 oz

The Monster In The Ice

 

Storm Moving In

Best Christmas House, Alternative Christmas Decor Category

 

                                   Star Wars & Dinosaurs (and Oprah in the upstairs window...)

Interesting Conversational Tidbits Overheard At A Christmas Party

                             Did I mention it was minus18 the other day?

   "Gawd no, he's still in prison"

   " David dropped out of school last year, hasn't done a damn thing since but laze around the house all day stoned out of his head."

   "Haven't gone to a game all year. They suck like a toothless meth addict."

   "Married? Uh, no. Because no-one's ever asked. Should've taken Tony Picco up when he asked me to in the 3rd grade - it's the only offer I've ever gotten."

   "She's either got her head in the clouds or her ass in the gutter."

   "is that gravy or soggy pudding?"

   "It's not literal, it's never been literal. It's the essence of the God in mankind, that's what it is."

   "I've already gained 8 pounds this month. Tubby McTubberton, Fcuk."

   "He is not that sharp. His head is full of wool or potatoes or something like that."

   "That sweater is so cool."

   "I am not confused about my convictions on the subject - you're confused about my convictions on the subject."

   "This peanut-butter fudge is delicious. C'mon, I know you don't cook - where'd you buy it?" 

   "The situation in Ukraine is too serious for me to be able to enjoy Christmas this year."

   "You didn't watch the World Cup Final? You missed the best match ever!"

   "Did I? Oh well, maybe I have it DVR'd"

   "Is this organic?"

   "Don't do me any big fat favors, I don't need or want your nose in my business."

   "He's a geologist, I think. Something earthy like that."

   "Let's go up Monday, but we'll have to start early, like 4:00am. The traffic is stupid by 6:00, takes four hours just to get over the pass." 

   "They got divorced after she got her third DUI."

   "You liked that show? I thought it was weak - Samberg is like, Seinfeld light.

 

Much More Patriotic Than You Or Me...

 Ever see a tricked out vehicle and ask yourself, "What more could be done to enhance that whip?"

Well, for starters you could church up the grill a little:

Then maybe add a double-spout beer tap to the trunk (which, naturally, you would have modified to hold two kegs) and attach a bar-be-que to the rear roof:

That's how you get everyone jelli.

Jumping The Gun On A Few "Best Of' Nominations

   Maybe it's too early for a "Best of" list for 2022, but I just wanted to put out there that Wilco's Cruel Country double CD set was awesome, and Official Competition starring Penelope Cruz and Antonio Banderas is the best movie I've seen in a few years. 

   Also, there is a huge difference between "extra fries" and "exercise".

Let's Go Shopping With Barbara

   Searching for last minute gift ideas for a special or not-so-special someone? Well, if history has taught us anything it's that nothing says I care quite like the gift of beauty and hygiene products.

   The advertisement pictured herein was published over 80 years ago, so chances are good your parents, grandparents, or even your great-grandparents saw this ad and were blessed with the answers to the questions such as, "She smells, what should I get her," or "his fingernails are talon-like garden spades, what should I get him?"

Idea For A Support Group Thought Up Several Years Ago That Just Got Put Down On Paper

 

   A longer time ago than I care to admit I came up with an idea for a support group. At that time I also came up with what I thought would be a great name for the support group, and a catchy slogan. Also, concurrently, I hastily sketched an emblem (or logo if you will) for the support group.

   This morning I actually combined all three of the elements that I had conceived so insanely long ago into a cohesive whole and put them on the bottom of the box I'm sending via UPS to RLT in SD. 

   The box contains items that were meant to be shipped to him several months ago.

   Hope he gets it before Christmas.

Best Christmas House, Broad Daylight Category

 

No Label For This Warning

She had an accusatory stare down and it fit her

Wielded it like a sledge-o-matic set on obliteration

Even a causal glance could radically change the temperature

Like molten lava in the sea boiling crabs and fish to perfection

Nothing was thrown but you better duck I'm telling you Mister

The danger is real and this is no time for deflection

You'd have better luck at dodging cows in a Kansas twister

Maybe for once you might consider a new direction

But you struggle like weak voltage against a strong resistor

You're the creator of your own wounds and resultant infection

Can't think on your feet when your soul's beginning to blister*

*Yes, soul's instead of soles was intentional

Litter Day

   When I was attending Elementary school in San Diego there was one day a year wherein we (all the kids who attended the school) had to carry a trash bag (big or small, didn't matter) with us as we walked to school and pick up litter along the route we took to get to the school.

   It was Earth Day I believe, when we had to do this. When we arrived at the school there were areas designated for all of us to deposit our bags of trash. If memory serves me correctly (50-50 chance of that) the trash piles were organized by whatever class you were in and the class that collected the most trash received some special recognition from the school Principal during an Earth Day ceremony.

   The other day I mentioned this to several of my co-workers, asking if they too had to do something like that. "You had to walk to school?" was the most common response I got, followed closely by "No, we didn't have to pick up trash when we were forced to walk to school when the bus broke down and Mom wouldn't get up to drive us to school."

   Was this just a California thing? Was it due to a large number of hippy-dippy teachers at the Elementary school I attended?

   Another mystery to ponder.

   

The Single Most Important Tree In Denver

   This. This is most likely not meant to be funny, but it cracked me up like no comedian ever has when I first saw it.

   Why? Well, for starters it's attached to a fence that surrounds a single tree, as you can see in the photo below.

   The idea the city of Denver has a Forester driving around looking for special trees to protect is off the unintentional comedy scale...at least to me. 

   For several reasons, not the least being that trees for the most part are somewhat invasive to the area. Denver was built upon a treeless prairie - there are a number of books available that compare pictures of Denver taken 100 or more years apart (the most well-known being John Fielder's Colorado 1870 - 2000) which clearly show that fact. The only trees around in the early days of Denver were the Cottonwoods that grew along the banks of the South Platte river and other, smaller waterways.

   Denver's climate is really, really dry - semi-arid if you will. This is also a well-known fact. Plus, the soil hereabouts is piss-poor, naturally high in alkali, which means low soil water infiltration capacity.

   Those are not factors that are conducive to natural tree growth, which is why Denver might be home to one of the world's largest man-made urban forest. Most of the trees that can be found in the city of Denver were planted under the direction of then Mayor Robert Speer over a century ago, and all those trees were planted from saplings imported from points east of the Mississippi. So yeah, invasive.

   Before anyone starts in with how necessary trees are, please know that I am well aware of their role in ecosystem balance, erosion prevention, squirrel, chipmunk and bird lodging, etc. 

   I'm not a tree-hater, quite the opposite I'm a tree lover.

   But I'm also a realist who knows that, A) Trees are one of the most (if not the most) renewable resources on the planet, and B) Most trees, especially hardwood trees like the one in the picture, have definite lifespans (on average 70 to 150 years). The time, effort, and energy (not to mention the money, which I am obviously mentioning) that is going into preserving that one tree could go to much, much better use - maybe helping the homeless population deal with the deadly cold winter we're experiencing this year, eh?

   

 

Hey Buddy, Can You Spare A...Buddy?

   Hollywood loves the buddy film, and I have come up with a doozy of an idea for one. The premise is simple - it's a buddy film, a comedy buddy film to be sure, which is certainly not the doozy of an idea part.

   The doozy of an idea part is that the film will feature endless cameos featuring other well know buddies from film and television.

   For example, the two buddies who are the main characters in the film would be in a scene set in a coffee shop, and ahead of them in line would be Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson quarreling (comedically) over why the large coffee is called a "Venti" and not a "Magna", or some such dealio. 

   Behind the counter would be two baristas, played by Jeff Daniels and Jim Carrey, who of course would be the most inept baristas ever. Maybe there could be a couple sitting at one of the tables and that couple would be played by Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

   The possibilities are endless. Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan could play always quibbling copier repairmen that the main buddy characters have to deal with, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover could play two cops ('natch) who pull the two main buddy characters over for speeding, John Cho & Kal Penn could play the arrogant and imbecilic Mayor and his long-suffering aide who always straightens out whatever mess the Mayor creates, James Roday Rodriguez and Dule Hill could be in a scene as an angry customer complaining about the quality of a fast-food cheeseburger to a very indifferent fast-food restaurant manager, and Geena Davis & Susan Sarandon could be in a scene featuring a pissed off lawyer trying to maintain her calm while dealing with a completely oblivious-to-the-seriousness-of-the-charges High School teacher accused of attacking a parent at a PTA meeting.

   You no doubt get the gist, so no more examples are necessary. Except for this last one:

   Zach Braff and Donald Faison (voices only) as a talk radio host and a caller having a discussion about how Hollywood seems to be running out of original ideas for films.

The Young Man & The Sea

   Once again he found himself in Brest, France, standing at the mouth of the Penfield river not to far from the port where the Nimitz had docked when he was in the Navy. 

   His enlistment had ended a short time ago and, being unencumbered by a family and not so attached to his home town that he had any lingering desire to return, he had made his way back to the one area of Europe that he had fallen in love with during his voyages as an able-bodied seaman. 

   His initial visit wasn't what anyone would call especially enchanting, and he hadn't made some magical connection with anything about the town. No, what had sold him on the place was specifically the fact that it wasn't a fairy tale perfect city in Europe dotted with castles and chalets with storied histories.

   There was a castle of course, a big gray one right at the mouth of the Penfield river at what could be regarded as the entrance to the town. But he was not all that impressed by ancient castles. 

   What impressed him was the people. The people were friendly, inviting, something he had not imagined after hearing so many disparaging comments about them from shipmates.

   And most importantly, the people were of the sea, which is what he considered himself, a man of the sea. It was why he had enlisted in the Navy right after graduating from High School.

   His ambition was to be a sailor on a commercial boat, a small freighter or a transport ship that would allow him to be at sea for at least three weeks of each month. He thought of himself as a Mariner, true to the sea.

   Picking up his duffel he started walking to the Recouvrance tramway station, involuntarily staring at the tall, sentry-like pylons of the huge vertical-lift bridge as he made his way east.

   

Chose Your Infestations Wisely

   There are people who have absolutely nothing to do all day except provide you with the motivation to keep pursuing your dreams. 

   You see and hear them everywhere, the ones who walk around with beaming smiles, saying encouraging words. It's like a plague of happiness or an infestation of enthusiasm has overcome everyone you know.

   It's not? Then you need to get some new friends.

   Just sayin'

The Visit With The Psychoanalyst

    "So, let's start with this dream about your mother."

    "It wasn't a dream about my mother Doc, it was a dream about a sink, and a freeway overpass, and some spiders, and one of my older sisters."

 

   "In the dream I was standing in front of a sink. Not a kitchen sink or a bathroom sink, more like the sink that would be in a utility closet, you know, really deep, the kind you can put an entire 5 gallon bucket in.

   "The sink wasn't in a utility closet though, but it was in a room with a door and the door was wide open. However, the room was on a freeway overpass. It was one of those long, curving overpasses that connect one freeway with another, you know, if you were on a north-south freeway it would connect you to one running east-west.

   "Except I wasn't in a vehicle of any sort - in fact, there were no cars on the overpass at all - just me, and I was in a room, or at least a partial room, just two walls I think, and one of the walls had a doorway with an open door, right in the middle of the overpass"

   "Anyway, I kept turning the tap handles of the sink faucet hoping that the grooves on the inside of the handles would catch the grooves on the valve stems that would shut the water off, but they just wouldn't work - it was frustrating."

 

   "The grooves"? The Doc asked. "What are these grooves?"

   "It's a geared mechanism Doc, it's how tap handles open and shut valves, but they're not really important. See, not only could I not shut off the water, but the water wouldn't drain. There was something blocking the floor drain, and soon the room started to fill up with water."

   "I looked down and saw the water that was filling the sink flowing out of this hose that was connected to the drain in the center of the sink tub and that lead to a floor drain, but the water wasn't draining - the floor drain must have been backed up, because the water was pooling up."

   "The taps were stuck wide open. I could turn the tap handles, but that had no effect - the water just kept flowing, so I decided to see if I could unblock the floor drain."

   "I got on my knees and started to feel around the floor drain to see if there was a towel or rag or some trash blocking it, but all I could feel was the hole pattern of the metal drain cover - it was a spiral pattern, like the one shown at the beginning of the Twilight Zone, but with holes instead of lines delineating the spiral pattern."

    "Hmmm Hmm...interesting," the Doc mumbled as he scribbled something down on his notepad.

   "There were these two spiders under the sink with me as I was trying to unblock the drain, both average size for spiders, but one was bigger than the other. And they were like the Laurel and Hardy of spiders, they kept tripping each other, entangling their eight legs together, and the fatter one kept swatting at the thinner one with a couple of it's legs. They didn't seem to notice that I was there at all, just kept trying to make their way across the wet floor while bumping into one another."

   "One of my older sisters was yelling at me to fix the sink, but wasn't in the room with me. She was just standing in the doorway yelling, telling me I needed to fix the sink."

    "That's it, that's all I can remember. Weird, huh? What do you think Doc?" 

   "Doc?" 

   "Doctor?"

    "Oh, excuse me, just lost in thought for a moment." The Doctor was writing as he spoke, then replied. "Most interesting, indeed. "Tell me, can you remember when this resentment for your mother first began to manifest itself in your dreams?"

The Happy Result Of The Unfortunate Affair*

   She was two months past her sixteenth birthday when she discovered she was pregnant. 

   That discovery had terrified her. 

   Obviously her parents, her mother and her stepfather, would want to immediately know who the father was, wanted to know who his parents were. 

    She cried when she considered all that entailed - the embarrassment, the tremendous emotional strain, the complications.

    It was somewhat of a relief when her stepbrother simply admitted that it was him. Three years her senior, he had lived in the same house, sleeping in a bedroom less than twelve feet from hers on the other side of the hallway, for the past nine years. 

    Neither of them had considered the other attractive in any manner whatsoever, until about six months before her sixteenth birthday, when one of her school friends had pointed out to her that her stepbrother was "hot."

   It was then that she started to think about him...differently. Slowly he became much less of an aggravation, much less of a nuisance. 

   He began to notice the change in her attitude a few weeks later. She was far less modest when she got up in the morning, walking down the hallway to the bathroom in just her underwear and a T-shirt. She seemed to go out of her way to pass through doorways at the same time he did.

   At first he tried to push the ideas/fantasies that were sprouting in his mind out, but slowly he started to cave in. The night of her sixteenth birthday was the last time he said no, to himself and to her.

   Now, twenty-two years later, their child was celebrating her graduation from college, something neither parent had ever thought would happen.

   It had been over a decade since both the parents and the child had stood in the same room together. Today, as they looked across the large round table at each other, at their respective current spouses, and at their own parents still happily together despite all that had transpired, they both wore countenances that suggested relief, if anything.

   Relief, it was assumed by all the other relatives and friends gathered in the small room with them, that somehow, some miraculous way, they hadn't screwed up the life of the young woman who was laughing and smiling with a group of her friends and fellow college graduates.

*This is a true story, as told to me by one of the parents of the college graduate and confirmed by other parties with knowledge of the situation.

Communication Shakedown

    Thousands of years ago the human animal made a giant collective leap in it's collective development.

   We, the family of man, learned how to communicate with one another using more than just grunts or gestures. We created words with which to label things, actions, ideas, etc.

   With words we were soon able to create languages with which we could clearly communicate.

   The importance of that giant leap forward cannot be overestimated. It's right up there with the mastery of fire, the discovery of the wheel, and threaded lids for jars.

   Yep, being able to speak words that indicated what one wants or needs or is willing to do made the sharing of ideas and desires much, much easier.

   Which is why, in this day and age, thousands of years after the collective invention of words and subsequent development of grammatical structure, and in a place where literacy is pretty much universal, it is extremely frustrating to order a chicken salad for lunch and have the server return with a bowl of chicken soup.

   Especially when the response to "But I didn't order a bowl of chicken soup, I ordered the chicken salad." is "Well, do you want the soup instead?" 

  

Nights That MakeYou Go...Hmmm

   The night here is incredible. Millions of stars dancing in the sky, twinkling to the beat of an invisible drummer. The spotlight of a quarter moon creating shadows that play on the snowbanks as the Christmas lights that festoon the first decorated homes of the holiday add a prism of color to complement.

   My breath coalesces into curls of wispy frost as I walk along the sidewalk, alone except for the other well-wrapped fellow dog-walkers, the silence of the frigid early winter evening broken only by the cadence of our footfalls.

   Nights like these, with the temps in the mid-teens, bring forth questions...such as, why am I not living in a small beach town considerably south and to the west of this icebox?

Free As A Bird Or Down For A Pound

    Two  people, a man and a woman, pass away at the same time on the same day and find themselves standing together in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

   "I have good news and I have bad news for the both of you," St. Peter says. "The good news is both of you have made the grade. However, the bad news is our computer is down and I won't be able to let either of you in until I get confirmation."

   "That's great, but what do we do until the computer is back up?" Says the man.

   "Well," St. Peter replies, "In cases such as this we allow the waiting parties to return to Earth for the few days it takes to get things sorted, and you get to go back as anything you want, no strings attached." 

   Looking at the woman, St. Peter asks, "What would you like to return to Earth as Miss?''

   The woman ponders for a minute then says, "I have always wanted to be able to fly over the earth as free as a bird. Can I return as a beautiful eagle?"

   "It is done," St. Peter states, and the woman disappears.

   St. Peter looks at the man who seems to be mentally listing things he has wanted to be. The man looks up at St Peter and says, "No strings, eh? In that case I want to go back as a stud!"

   "It is done," St Peter states, and the man disappears.

   A few days later an IT angel approaches St Peter and tells him the computer is working and asks if he is going to be able to locate the woman and the man he had to send back to Earth.

   "Oh sure," replies St Peter, "The woman is happily soaring over the Rockies in Colorado, should be fairly easy to locate. The man might take a little while though - he's on a snow tire somewhere in Canada."

My Hiking Friend's Great Summer

    "I spent the summer in northern Italy, staying with a family of distant relatives in the town of Belluno, which is in the eastern Dolomite range, part of the Italian Alps. My host was a third or fourth cousin twice removed, and was much more Austrian than Italian - from what I could gather members of his family had fled Austria for Italy after the fall of Mussolini, hoping to make their way through Italy to Switzerland, but had found Belluno a fairly safe and pleasant place to be, so they decided to just remain there after the war had come to an end."

   He shuffled his flatware around his plate to suit his left handedness, took a bite of the broccoli, and continued.

   "Savio, that's my cousin, was unemployed the entire time I was there - he pretty much took care of his three kids while his wife worked, unless he wanted to take me on a hike or drive to some important or noteworthy place nearby, in which case he would drop the kids off with one of his sisters, whichever one wasn't currently mad at him, and then we'd spend the day playing tourist and tour guide - and Savio was a great tour guide, knew where a ton of obscure or rarely visited stuff was, and knew a lot of people. I don't think we went anywhere that he didn't know at least two or three people who were happy to see him, graciously providing us with at least a filling snack and even occasionally joined us if we were going on a hike, like the day we went to Saint Christiana to mingle with the rich and famous, or when we went to Venice so I could ride in a real Gondola."

   After wolfing down another few pieces of broccoli and taking a long sip off his pint, he picked up right where he left off.

   "Yeah, you wouldn't believe all the people I met in the little towns and villages that he'd take me to that had never left the area they were born and raised in to go visit fantastic places that were only an hour or two away. Hell, Rome was only about as far away as we are from Durango, and Savio had never been to Rome until I talked him into driving down for a weekend. Can you believe that? One of the world's capital's in his own backyard and he'd never been there. We had a pretty good time there, too, but after we got back all he could say was that it was okay. Man, that beats all, eh?'

   He dug into the last of the broccoli and started on the loaded baked potato, but didn't let that slow down his recounting of his fun-filled summer.

   "We even drove to a small town in Slovenia - Bovie or Bovic, something like that, which was a beautiful drive, just really amazing scenery. It's a small, touristy place surrounded by incredible mountains and a lot of war memorials from both world wars. A really beautiful place but it rained the entire time we were there."

   Pausing to take a couple more swigs of beer, he then turned to me and asked, "So, what did you do this summer" 

If You're Hungry And You're At A Major Sporting Event

 Dogs. Specifically Hot Dogs. Those German sausages that cooks in these here United States co-opted to the point where we now claim them as our own creation.

They are, for the most part, delicious - even if you've been to a hot dog factory and watched them being made, they are still delicious.  

Especially (for unknown psychosomatic reasons) if you are at a major sporting event.

I've had Sonoran Dogs (aka the Padres dog) Dodger dogs, Rockie dogs, Chicago dogs, the Giant dog (San Fran, not NY), the Arizona dog (Diamondbacks), Thurmann's stadium dog (MetLife in NJ) and the only corn dog I'll eat, the Iowa Cubs corndog (because - spicy bacon mustard).

That's just the tip of the iceberg though - the variety of hot dogs served at major (and minor) sporting events is spectacular - it's enough to almost convince a guy to drive around the country visiting arenas and stadiums just to sample them.

For example, Tampa Bay offers what they call the First Down dog, which is a big dog loaded with bar-be-que brisket, jalapenos and coleslaw, pickled onions, all covered with shredded cheese on a Hawaiian roll bun.

While attending a Rangers game in Texas you can get the  Boomstick, which is a one pound hot dog (!) that has been slathered in meaty Texas chili, cheese and onions then wrapped in a corn tamale, then drenched in more meaty Texas chili and hot melted nacho cheese...I think I felt my arteries harden a little as I typed that.

If chili is your condiment of choice, Cincinnati offers a Coney Island dog topped with cinnamon chili, mustard, cheddar cheese and onions.

Seattle has an interesting take on the hot dog - it's actually a battered fish filet served on a bun with coleslaw - they call it the Ivardog.

The Detroit Tigers can brag about a unique dog too - they have eggrolls stuffed with chopped up hot dogs and chili covered in mustard and onions. Daaannnnnggg.... 

There is a dog served up in Philadelphia that features a cured pastrami sausage topped with hickory-smoked bacon and shredded red cabbage, plus Tarragon mustard to stimulate all of your taste buds.

This list is making me hungry. Going to have to stop at Costco on the way into work for the buck fifty quarter pound beef dog and soda. My belly is rumbling with joy.

Rattling Around Inside The Nutshell

Those of us on the downhill slide

Looking back at how far we had to climb

In order to make it a memorable ride

Shout out to those making double-time

Slow down, relax, try to abide

Savor every moment of your prime

Second Careers That Eclipse A Successful (Mildly) First Career, Instance # 329876

   

  Home designed by BAT Architecture and Design partnership built on pre-fab bridge that spans Canyon Creek in Berkeley, Ca.

   A long time ago he lived a different life, almost a double-life.

   His family and close friends knew him as Bruce, most others knew him as Ted

   As Ted by night (and occasionally by day, for rehearsal's sake) he played drums in one of America's definitive early Punk Rock bands, one known for it's politically charged lyrics, the extreme (some would say violent) attitude of the lead vocalist/primary songwriter, and the difficult-to-market (for the time - it would be splashed all over Hot Topic nowadays) name of the band itself.

   A little over two and a half years behind the kit, enduring poorly attended tours (on the East Coast at least, where they were largely unknown and where their particular choice of a band name really didn't go over), and the over-reactions of a media that were either too dense to pick up on the satire of the bands song lyrics (and performances known for the use of shock value to hammer a point or two about free speech and civil rights), were enough. He decided it was time to move on from that life and start a new one.

   He returned to school (RISD and Pratt) and rekindled a passion (architecture and design) that had really never left him - it had just sat idle as he burned through his youthful rebellion energy. 

   His second life has been very successful, and in one of the most delicious ironies of all time, his architectural firm/partnership had a hand in the creation of the Hot Topic retail chain's image.

   Way to go Mr Slesinger, an inspiration to all of us still looking for our niche

   

Like A Finger in A Socket, Tongue Tied To A Rocket

He sat there, dejected, not sure how much more he could take

Couldn't see how he was going to get over the pain

Like riding an emotional rollercoaster in an earthquake

Heartbreak explosion like a nitroglycerin milkshake

Everybody says they care but nobody understands

Plenty of fish in the sea, you'll get over her, you'll see

Everybody has felt this way before and since

Everyone has had to deal with it, everyone has been a misfit

Sixteen, and never going to be able to make it to seventeen

Sixteen, and stuck in the dreaded in-between

Immaturity and doubt, obscurity and striking out

Falling down, falling back, can't wait until he's eighteen

Nobody wants to tell him it won't be any better then

Carving A Bar of Soap

 Soap carving used to be a thing. It still is in some place, as a quick check on the internet revealed. Not only is it still a thing, it's a competitive thing wherein talented soap carvers can win up to $50.00, and at worst there is a chance at a participating ribbon to the ever-growing collection of participation ribbons.

Lest I Forget

   The problem with having a good memory at a young age is that it can make you lazy and undisciplined, which can result in limitations on what you actually know and can do.

   Being a voracious reader just for the sake of reading doesn't help, either.

   What I am trying to say is, when you can read something and remember 70 to 80 percent of what you read, more than enough to be able to test well on the subject, it can create the delusion in yourself and those around you (schoolmates, teachers) that you are smart and know stuff, when actually you are simply a voracious reader with a good memory.

   It can be insidious. You go through school getting good enough grades to pass (or even excel in) your classes, but you don't really learn anything, you just remember stuff, the basics of how something works or the history of something, but you do not actually learn the reasons why something works, or what makes something works, or even the most rudimentary reasons for something being what it is in the first place.

   Let me give an example. When I was 7 years old I learned that plants use photosynthesis to turn light and carbon into energy, and that chlorophyll was what allowed plants to do that - and that chlorophyll was mostly green, so plants were mostly green. I had read about the photosynthesis process in one of my older sister's school textbooks.

   I wrote I 'learned" a few things about the process of photosynthesis when I was 7 years old, but what I actually had done was read a book and retained a little information. I had no actual idea how photosynthesis worked or how it developed or anything about the mechanical, chemical, or physical processes involved, I just knew the names of a few of the steps and what the very basic function of those steps were.

   But what I had retained was enough to make adults around me think I was bright, and enough to make friends and classmates to think I was nerdy.

   

   

Weekend At The Duffy Hilton*

Wake up in the county jail wonderin' how the hell you got there

Can't remember the night before or 

Holdin' cell is full of renegades, gangbangers and petty thieves

You find yourself thinking this is the worst it can get

Then a big fat biker dude asks if you want to try some of this

As he unzips his pants and pulls out his to take a piss

Three guys huddled together in a corner trying hard not to look scared

College kids from Torrey Pines or La Jolla busted buying crystal or a chippie on the street

As the warder opens the door to shove another fool into the tank

No one says a word when the door slams shut

Except the big fat biker dude who whistles and says "you got a cute butt."

A sailor paced the floor waiting for the Shore Patrol to come pick him up 

The cholo from Barrio Logan Cholo's sits opposite the one from National City

Both of them know not to get into here as

A old man sleeping on the floor curled up in a yellow puddle

A black man in a business suit sits at the end of the bench staring at the floor and muttering to himself

While another brother sits with his back to the wall and sings quietly under his breath

For most everyone there this is their first experience with jail

And each and everyone of them just want to get it over with, either be released or at least post bail.

 

*John Duffy was the Sheriff of San Diego County for a thirty year span, from 1971 until 1991

Inventions Invented By Clever (Though Little Known) Inventors

   Phillip Sharpe of Massachusetts needed a large hand-held tape dispenser that could simultaneously hold a large roll of strapping tape, allow the tape to be drawn across the box or bag being taped shut, and then cut the tape where desired. He couldn't find one so he created one. U.S. patent 3,112,051 was granted to him for that solution to a sticky problem. 

   There was a time when all luggage was carried, usually by a single attached handle. Charles Leavell of Illinois wasn't too keen on toting his heavy suitcase around, so he created a suitcase with recessed wheels at one end and a handle on the other. U.S. patent 3,163,268 was issued to him for that brainstorm.    

   Standing around with a head of soaking wet hair was not for George Kazanjian. U.S. patent 994,259 was issued to him for the first portable, hand-held hair dryer, way back in 1911.

   Up until the mid-1960's bottlecaps required a bottle-opener - that annoyed California resident Don Brockhage. He invented a bottle cap that could be removed by hand which was issued U.S, patent 3,121,506.

   George Runkel and Gilbert Sheets, both of Ohio, cared about the safety of school children. They collaborated on the design of that little stop sign that the driver of the school bus swings out from the front and rear of the school bus when the bus has stopped to allow school children on or off. They share U.S. patent 3,153,398 for that. 

   At one time farmers had to manually move large irrigation sprinklers from one field of crops to another. Farmer Hadley Kern of Texas figured that was just not a pragmatic way to go about waterin', so he designed and built large, raised sprinkler systems with wheels for easy mobility. That got him U.S. patent 3,166,088.

   In 1913, Fred Wolf, then living in Illinois, was issued U.S. patent 1,126,605 for development of the first electric refrigerator for use in the home. Mr. Wolf was a refrigeration engineer and figured that if meat packing plants and other large industries could make use of refrigeration, so could the average home owner. His invention was known as the DOMELRE (Domestic Electric Refrigerator) and was the beginning of the end of the block ice delivery business.

   On the subject of refrigeration, a resident of one of the colder lower 48 states, Cecil True of South Dakota got fed up with frozen water pipes in the winter. Unlike everyone else who had to deal with the same issue, Mr. True did something about it. He developed easy to use fiberglass insulation tape that incorporated a heating element and included a thermostat. Plugged (or directly wired) into a homes electrical supply, the heating element warmed the pipes when the temperature dropped below freezing. He holds U.S. patent 3,120,600 for that invention.  

   U.S. patent 528,671 was granted to William Hooker of Illinois in 1894. It was for the first lethal spring-loaded bar mousetrap. It wasn't the first patent issued for a lethal mouse trap - that distinction belongs to New York resident James Keep, who was granted patent 221,320 in 1879 for his mousetrap, which was a spring-loaded set of jaws much like the common bear trap, only really, really small. People keep trying to build better mousetraps - glue traps, live-catch mousetraps, cage traps, etc. Rodenticide is a perpetually booming business.

The Most Excellent Vintage Advertisement For Accordions That You've Ever Seen

 

Fame May Fade, But Some Of The Benefits Never Do

 

How To Trap Yourself Into Helping Someone Move (Part 1)

   She asked if I could help her move.

   Which, while not #1 on things I never want anyone to ever ask me, is certainly in the top ten.

   I bit my tongue on the first response that tried to escape my lips and asked instead, "When are you planning on moving?"

   What I should have said was 1) "No." or 2) "Why are you moving?"

   See, the question was being asked by a woman that I had known maybe all of five months, and not all that well over the course of those five months. 

   She was a bright woman that I had met playing trivia and had initially appeared for all the world to be a nice, normal human being.

   She was also a former beauty queen - a real, live beauty queen, the type that win scholarships to good colleges.

   And she had actually used the scholarships she won to acquire a couple of advanced degrees. 

   But I digress. 

   She replied to my question of when with the coming Saturday, and then added, "I'm already out of my apartment - everything's in a storage unit, and I don't have much to move, just boxes of clothes, shoes and books, and the mattress and boxspring - I sold all the furniture already."

   That did make the proposition a little more attractive. She had been living in a three story walk-up, on the third floor, so I made the mistake of responding with, "I don't have anything going on Saturday, so I guess I can help. What time and where?"

   "The storage unit is right down the street - probably two miles from your house. I have a U-Haul rented and if you can meet me at the rental place around 8:00, we can get the truck and drive over there, load up, and get everything to my new place before noon or one."

   This commitment was made on a Tuesday so I had plenty of time during the week to back out with a real or imaginary excuse, but I did not.

   I'm an idiot like that.

   Saturday morning I was at the address she had given me for the rental place just before 8:00. She arrived ten minutes after. All the paperwork was in order so all we had to do was get the keys and go. The clerk did require a copy of my driver's license though, which I obliged, but after that we made our way to her storage unit.

   The storage unit was medium size, maybe 8 X 10, and it was filled with pretty much what she described - though there were a whole helluva lot more boxes of books than I expected. The books (and binders, lots and lots of filled binders) were her doctoral thesis and proofs - she had earned a Ph.D. at a fairly prestigious West Coast university almost 20 years ago, and had kept every word she had written, as well as every source she had cited, as if she was going to be challenged to provide evidence for it sometime.

   Still, even with all the heavy boxes of books, we had the truck loaded within an hour. In my head the thoughts went along the lines of, "Great, now that we're loaded up we'll go someplace for breakfast, then head over to her new place, unload quickly, get lunch, then take the truck back and be done."

   See, she had explained almost everything about the move to me back on Tuesday when she first asked for my help - we would meet up at the truck rental place and pick up the truck, leaving both of our cars at the truck rental place. We would  drive to the storage unit together, then get some breakfast somewhere, then go to her new apartment where we would unload everything. After getting some lunch somewhere we would return the truck to the truck rental place, give them back the keys and pick up our cars, then go our separate merry ways.

   Except I had failed to ask an extremely important question, which was, "Where is your new place?" I had just assumed it was somewhere in the area, at worst maybe 20 or 25 miles to the north or south of the storage unit, in one of the new large apartment complexes that seemed to be sprouting up everywhere, but primarily to the north and south of Denver proper.

   The unexpected answer was served up like a greased slider. I had just pulled down and locked the roll-up door of the small box truck when she said, "With any luck we'll get to Rocky Ford before noon."

   "Rocky Ford? You're moving to Rocky Ford? Why are you moving to Rocky Ford?' Those words spilled out of my mouth like a plate of tater tots falling off a table.

   "New job - couldn't stay at my old job, not with him still working there. Plus it's closer to my parents place in Los Animas, but not too close."

   Once again I choked back my desired first response and simply answered, "Okay, but let's go somewhere for breakfast first - I'm starved."

   She agreed to that and off we went to the Breakfast King, a nice little greasy spoon that wasn't too far away and right off I-25.

   Yep, I'm an idiot like that.

   As most people know driving a long distance with someone can be a challenge at times, especially if that person is someone you don't know particularly well. There is always the risk that the person will be uncomfortably quiet or worse, an incessant talker. There is also the risk that the person will have horrible taste in music.

   Breakfast was quick and pleasant, and we were southbound before 10:00. Rocky Ford is a two and a half hour drive from Denver at best so her prediction of a noon arrival was probably not going to hold up.

   For the first few minutes we drove along in a comfortable silence, but then she started talking about how she was excited to be starting a new job and how great it was going to be living once again in the area she had been raised.

   Not all that bad as far as conversational subject matter goes, but then she started to get a little melodramatic about how much she would miss the friends and coworkers that she had gotten to know over the past few years that she had lived in Denver. 

   Then the conversation took an even more melodramatic turn and for the next couple of hours I politely endured the entire history of her life with the man who had been the impetus for the move, how he had seduced her with his charm, manipulated her with false promises, took advantage of her naivete, etc., etc.

   I just nodded my head and uttered occasional uncommitted agreement to various points she stressed about how bad a person he eventually revealed himself to be as the minutes and miles dragged on under the governor regulated accelerator of the rental truck.

   Because I'm an idiot like that.

   I probably will never again drive that agonizingly slow from Denver to Rocky Ford, or at least I hope I will never again have reason to drive that agonizingly slow from Denver to Rocky Ford.

   When we arrived at her new apartment (second floor, stairs only) I insisted we unload the truck before getting lunch, and even with the challenge of a switchback exterior staircase, was able to get every box and the mattress and boxspring out of the truck and into her apartment in half the time it took to load it all.

   Both of us were a bit exhausted so we both sat down on the floor of her new unfurnished apartment and rested while finishing off bottles of cold water. After a few minutes she stood up and said she knew of a great little restaurant close by where we could have lunch, but she wanted to take a shower and change clothes before we went there.

   She looked at me sitting on the floor and said, "You can join me in the shower if you want " and turned and made her way down the short hallway, pulling off her shirt as she walked.

   I sat on the floor and watched her until she disappeared into the bathroom, leaving the door wide open. I listened to her shoes falling to the floor as she removed them, I listened to the zipper of her pants as she unzipped them, and I listened to her pull them off. I heard the shower curtain pulled aside and the water bursting forth from the showerhead.

   Then I got up and walked over to the small kitchen area and set the empty water bottle down on the counter. I pondered the possibilities, eventually deciding my best course of action was to stop digging the hole any deeper and to just stay in the kitchen and wait for her to finish and get dressed. It was going to be a long drive back to Denver the way things stood already, no need to complicate it further.

   Because I'm and idiot like that.