So it's the night before Christmas and what should I care
Just another night in what had been another tedious year
The tree was up so that the cat would have a place to play
While I whiled away the hours dreading yet another Christmas day
The past few weeks had been spent looking for gifts for loved ones
With hopes that this year I would actually get it all done
What is it about giving that is such a trial?
Why did I spend the whole year in gift denial?
The lights of the neighborhood homes all shining bright
While me and my compadres nit pick and fight
About which Christmas special we're going to stay up to watch
As we get loaded on cheap beer and even cheaper scotch
The weatherman had proclaimed there would be snow this year
And I crossed my fingers in hopes the drive would be too severe
To go over hill and dale to my relative's casa
Where I was expected to eat ham and some peculiar pasta
Not one to be a Scrooge I had foolishly promised to show
Even if it meant making my way north through three feet of snow
Too much eggnog and rum will have you making promises like that
Even after a night that made you feel bloated and fat
There is much to be said about the charm of Christmas day
The joy of the season, the ostentatious display
Of love for one another by the exchanging of gifts
The false expression of happiness when you get the short end of the stick
"Oh Jimmy freakin' crimminy crum"
Why is it every year I feel like a bum?
Every single January I state I'll have it all done by May
Yet every single freakin' year I wait until the last day
To shop for gifts that will be perfect for each one of my siblings
Without having to pretend that the process isn't crippling
Occasionally I can find one or two small presents that work
But the majority of my selections make me feel like a jerk
At department stores throughout the city
I cry for help and hope the sales staff will have pity
On a discombobulated idiot who doesn't have a clue
About what his brothers and sisters might want for this Yule
Does she like candles, will he appreciate fruity soaps?
As I scour the aisles I feel like a dope
It was so much easier when all I had to do was show up
Tear open presents and then dig into some grub
There wasn't much to worry about when I was only ten
Cheap perfume for the girls and Old Spice for the men
Now I'm expected to have matured in my taste
And to show my choices were considered and not made in haste
If only I had an inkling of an idea
Of what anyone desired or at least what they needed
But no, I was oblivious to what the people closest to me liked
Did Tommy prefer plaid or would he want striped?
With a firm resolve I set off to the only place that was open
Maybe I'd buy them all soaps or 'nilla scented lotion
Hopefully they wouldn't take that as a passive aggressive hint
That their everyday aroma wasn't eau de cologne mint
Fretting alongside a few dozen others in my position
I suddenly espied an item that made my eyes glisten
Lo and behold! My Christmas shopping was not to be hard!
For all of my siblings would be getting gift cards!!
Twenty bucks each, tops.
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