Somehow a joke telling session sprung to life at Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. These are the ones I can remember:
A man walks into a liquor store and ask the clerk for a case of less. The clerk responds with a quizzical look and asks, "What the heck is less?"
The man replies, "I don't know but my Doctor told me I needed to start drinking it."
One evening as the communal dinner was getting underway at the convent the Mother Superior stood up and asked for the nuns undivided attention. "Sisters," she said rather gravely, "I'm afraid there have been several cases of gonorrhea in the abbey."
"Thanks be to God," an elderly nun said. "I've been getting tired of Merlot every night."
Jerry went over to his friend Dan's house and asked him for help picking out a birthday gift for his wife, as he had been racking his brain for weeks to no avail. Dan told him that the best thing he ever gave his own wife for her birthday was a hand-made certificate that stated she was entitled to two hours of great sex anyway she wants it. Jerry thought that was a great idea and promptly went home, made up a certificate just like the one Dan had, and gave it to his wife.
A day later Jerry ran into Dan at the gym. Dan asked him how it went with the certificate and Jerry exclaimed, "She absolutely loved it! She jumped into my arms and smothered me with passionate kisses, then ran out the door while yelling that she would be back in a couple of hours."
Three older men who had known each other since grade school all got married within a few weeks of one another. One Friday evening about three months after the last wedding they met up at a local bar for drinks. Mark, the first one who had gotten married, said his bride, who he had met in Romania, had turned out to be even better than he had hoped and that within three days of him establishing the way things were going to be she was fixing him three hot meals a day and keeping the place spotless. Jimmy, the second one to marry, nods his head in agreement and tells the other two that his wife who he had met in Istanbul also surprised him by agreeing within the first week to his demands that she fix all the meals, wash the clothes, and clean the house. Robert, the last of the three to marry, sits quietly.
"Well," Mark finally says, "What about your bride Robby?"
Robert stares at his friends for a few more seconds and then says, "As you know I married a woman I met in New Jersey. Just as you two did I laid down the law right after the Honeymoon. I told her she was expected to clean the house thoroughly, make sure my clothes were washed, pressed, folded and put away every week, and have breakfast, lunch and dinner prepared daily."
"The first day I didn't see anything at all, the second day I didn't see anything either, but by the third day the swelling had subsided a bit and I could see a little out of the right eye and I could grip with my right hand well enough to fix myself a sandwich and even operate the vacuum cleaner. However, I'm still feeling a little pain when I have to pee."
A man is sitting on a barstool with a huge ear-to-ear smile on his face. A woman comes in and sits down on the barstool right next to him. After placing an order for a glass of mineral water with a slice of lemon, she looks over at the smiling man and says, "Wow, you sure look happy - did you win the lottery or something?"
The man looks over at her and replies, "Well, sorta. I raise chickens and for years my hens were infertile, but not now. Today I discovered almost all of them are pregnant!"
"That's great," says the woman, "and quite the coincidence. For years I couldn't get pregnant and I am now. How did you manage to get the hens pregnant?"
The farmer looks at the woman and states bluntly, "Switched cocks."
The woman looks back at the farmer and says, "Wow, another coincidence!"
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